Redux
by Nimue47
Summary: I got the idea to this story while watching the X-files episode Redrum. [J/C]
1. ~*~ 4 ~*~

Redux  
  
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net  
  
October 2001  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.  
  
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)  
  
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*  
  
@ -;-- 4 --;- @  
  
Kathryn leaned back in her seat, her jaw set. She was willing to face anything that was going to be in her way. Even if it was death. Her tired face was lit only by the sparks that were raining down on her. Almost none of the remaining consoles were functioning, the last having exploded only seconds before.  
  
This was the end, wasn't it? Kathryn looked at her side to where Chakotay had been sitting only days ago when the first attack had occurred.  
  
It seemed like an eternity away. So much had changed in that one moment. He was dead. He had died shielding her from the debris that had fallen down onto the two of them as a part of the ceiling had collapsed. She knew her life would never be the same again, but judging from by the way things were progressing, there wasn't much of her life left.  
  
Turning her head towards Tuvok, as if to get confirmation of her upcoming death, she nodded at him to report.  
  
His stoic face didn't give anything away - always the Vulcan, always in control.  
  
"I regret to inform you that weapons are offline, shields are offline, sensors are almost offline. I may be able to pinpoint the location of the next torpedo a few seconds before it impacts, but that is it. I can do no more, Captain."  
  
"Thank you, Tuvok."  
  
It was now evident to all aboard that there was no way to get out of this situation in one piece, let alone alive. The end of Voyager was only a matter of minutes now.  
  
Her assumption proved to be wrong as Tuvok's voice could be heard above the unusually loud hum of the ship.  
  
"Impact in 3-"  
  
Kathryn closed her eyes. This was it, this was the end. She wished Chakotay were there to die with her.  
  
"2-"  
  
She shook her head at this thought, and then wondered if all last three seconds lasted that long. There was so much she had wanted to tell him; so much she had never dared to say.  
  
"1-"  
  
So this was it? This was the end?  
  
She whispered, "I love you, Chako-", as Voyager exploded in a bright dazzling fireball.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Somewhere on a little planet nearby, a young boy pointed at a bright spot in the sky. It was there only for a few moments before disappearing forever.  
  
"A dying star," his father explained to him.  
  
"Why do stars die?" the boy asked.  
  
"That's a long story," the father tried to distract him. "But it also means you can make one wish that will come true."  
  
"Really?" The boy asked, excited.  
  
"Really." His father assured him.  
  
"Then I wish that the star gets a second chance. I want it to have a chance to prevent its death."  
  
The father chuckled at that, embracing his son. Children could have a very unique view on the cosmos. Believing that stars were actually alive seemed to be one of the things his son held on to. For a moment, the father wanted to clarify it, to tell his son that it wasn't true.  
  
But he thought better of it. For now, his son was allowed to remain a child with dreams and a far too vivid imagination. He would grow up to see reality soon enough.  
  
@ -;--  
  
But somewhere, somewhen in the vast galaxy, someone heard his wish, and pondered it for a millennium or two until he decided to grant the one wish of an innocent child that had died of old age a long time ago, his wish seemingly never coming true.  
  
He snapped his fingers and undid whatever damage had been done. But feeling the need to entertain himself while doing so, he changed things as he thought might be the most interesting for him. 


	2. ~*~ 3 ~*~

Redux  
  
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net  
  
October 2001  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.  
  
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)  
  
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*  
  
@ -;-- 3 --;- @  
  
Kathryn sat bolt upright in what should have been her bed, but seemed to be much too hard and uncomfortable for it. She opened her eyes in confusion, shielding them immediately against the bright illumination. Sickbay. Why was she in sickbay? Shouldn't she be dead? Kathryn wondered, as the doctor came into view.  
  
"Good morning, Captain," he smiled reassuringly.  
  
"Doctor. What am I doing here? I shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be here, Voyager shouldn't be here," she looked around, waving her hands as if to make a point.  
  
"Captain, I am afraid I don't understand a word you're saying. You're confused, you're still in a state of shock, and frankly, you seem to be delusional."  
  
Kathryn rubbed her temples, wondering if anything the doctor said made sense. Why should she be in shock? Voyager being blown up did seem to be a good reason for shock, but why should she, and even more confusingly, the whole ship, have survived an explosion? She had felt the heat coming towards her and then her life had ended, simple as that. She couldn't remember anything else from the week prior to that. What had happened?  
  
"Shock?" She asked, shaking her head in order to get a clear mind.  
  
"You don't remember?"  
  
"What the heck should I remember, why am I in sickbay and where the heck is Chakotay when I need him? He's usually here when I wake up. So, where is he?"  
  
"You really don't remember. You must be suffering from some kind of amnesia, Captain. Wait here, I need to check you over, see what caused it." He was out of the room before she could glare him into shutting down.  
  
"Doctor, I want to know. NOW," she ordered, but got no reply whatsoever. "What are you hiding from me? Why can't you answer a simple question, damnit!"  
  
Jumping onto her feet, she regretted that move almost immediately as a wave of nausea nearly made her faint. Grinding her teeth, she willed her dizziness away, straightening her sickbay gown to look halfway decent.  
  
Feeling rather than seeing, she checked her hair and decided she looked well enough to make a run for the door and expose herself to the crew. *What the heck*, she thought as she momentarily hesitated to cross the threshold that led into the corridor, *It's not like they should be alive, or I for that matter. The ship shouldn't be here either, come to think of it. They will just have to deal with a barely dressed Captain. Barely dressed and severely pissed.*  
  
She braced herself and went out into the world that shouldn't be anymore. The crewmembers she passed eyed her warily as if they were afraid she was about to do something stupid. Was she? And why would she? She had let Voyager blow up - that certainly counted as stupid, didn't it?  
  
She stopped dead in her tracks in front of Chakotay's quarters. Ringing the chime, once, twice, she got no response. *Damn that man,* she thought, her temper flaring. *Where is he?*  
  
Without a second thought she keyed in the override and stormed into his quarters.  
  
"Chakotay? Chakotay, where are you?"  
  
She went from room to room, inspecting everything. Finding many items that told of the time they spent together, she couldn't pinpoint the exact moment she had last been in his private room. Her fingers brushed along the frame of a picture of the two of them taken a long time ago. She paused for a moment, taking the scene in. They looked truly happy, their love-filled eyes shining brightly into the camera. Her eyes showed what she wanted to, needed to tell him more than anything else.  
  
She wandered into his bedroom, hoping that he'd just fallen asleep exhausted from a long day. She had never seen this room before and thus felt like an intruder as she wandered in. The bed was empty - not a sign of him. The covers lay rumpled as if he had left in a hurry that morning. He had probably overslept, she thought smiling.  
  
Her eyes focused on something on the nightstand. Another picture. Only this one told her all she needed to know. It showed her. Blushing, she realized it showed her relaxing on New Earth. He must have taken it unnoticed, for she seemed truly oblivious of the world around her. She was leaning against a tree, her feet dangling into the river not far away from their cabin. Her shoes and socks were lying next to her and she seemed to be idly playing with one of the laces. Her other hand was resting on her stomach. Her dress revealed more of her legs than she would have liked. But most of all, she marvelled at the look on her face. It showed pure bliss, contentment, and happiness.  
  
Her eyes were closed as she stretched her face into the sun, a smile gracing her lips. She had never seen herself that happy.  
  
Ever since New Earth, or even before, they had shared a link, able to sense when the other was fine, or when that wasn't the case. How could she ever forget the day she had made the decision to love him freely, to give in to his advances, and become his woman warrior forever. Shortly afterwards she had forced herself to get up and get some work done. She used to hate gardening with a passion, but watching those Talaxian tomatoes grow, knowing the man she loved was waiting for her inside their little cabin had certainly changed her mind. Soon enough he emerged from their shelter and joined her on the lawn, telling her there was something inside he needed her opinion of.  
  
She sighed. The day she had sworn to tell him she loved him had much too soon become the day she swore to herself she couldn't love him aboard their ship. It was the day she locked her heart and threw away the key. The key she intended to retrieve.  
  
Kathryn wondered why she hadn't felt his presence as he took this photo. She always felt his presence. Ever since New Earth, or even before, they had known the other was fine. And they had also felt when that wasn't the case. They shared a bond that was special to the two of them. It was almost holy.  
  
She blushed again as she remembered that she actually had felt his eyes on her. She remembered that her dress had innocently slipped up, bit for bit, exposing more and more leg to him. She had played with him, pretending he wasn't there. The movement of her dress was, of course, completely innocent and just a side effect of the wind that was also playing with her hair.  
  
She had tried to convince herself of that, back then.  
  
She shook her head at her behaviour. Chakotay had the definite gift to bring out the teen in her.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Sitting down at the edge of his bed she wondered again where he was. Her mind reached out to touch his as it had done so many times in the past, only this time it didn't get any response. An away mission? Kathryn was suddenly very scared. She didn't feel him. Not even the faintest touch of his mind. If he was on some away mission, why didn't she get just a little hint of his presence? Why had the doctor refused to answer her question?  
  
She knew there was only one way to find out. Did she really want to know? She pulled his cushion to her, hugging it tightly, before bracing herself for what the computer might tell her.  
  
Taking a deep breath, she finally asked. "Computer, where is Commander Chakotay?"  
  
"Commander Chakotay is not a member of this crew, please restate your question."  
  
Kathryn gulped.  
  
"What was the last known status of Chakotay, First Officer?" She asked in a trembling voice.  
  
"Searching."  
  
Kathryn closed her eyes, her knuckles turning white with the sheer determination with which she clung to the pillow.  
  
"Last entry to his medical file was made 3 days ago."  
  
She had to gather all her strength to whisper the next three words. "Play the entry."  
  
The doctor's voice could be heard. And as she started to sob she got the clarification for what she'd feared ever since she woke up without seeing him. What she'd most feared in her entire life.  
  
"Time of death 10:30."  
  
When Kathryn felt able to stop shaking long enough to move her limbs, she let her numb form fall backwards, seeking comfort in her surroundings. It all smelled like him, the t-shirt he had thrown carelessly onto the bed. The sheet that tangled between her legs, the pillow she still clung to for dear life. Everything.  
  
Suddenly, she heard the doors to his quarters slide open. Had it all been some kind of sick joke? She reached out to the intruder with her mind. Nothing. She buried herself deeper into his bed, willing them to go away. By now she could make out a few definite voices. The doc and Tom Paris. Had they come to get her? What were they planning? She would in no way let them take her away from him. She would stay here forever, until she herself died of grief. Or anything else that would come in handy.  
  
"Captain?" Tom began as he found her. Then he thought better of it. "Kathryn?"  
  
Kathryn found herself unable to respond to anything he said or did. She felt his arm on her shoulder, trying to rouse her, trying to get any sign of life from her.  
  
Kathryn squeezed her eyes shut, willing them to just leave her alone.  
  
By now the doctor had joined Tom Paris. She could hear the faint beeping of two medical tricorders taking readings.  
  
"She is in a state of extreme shock," the doctor stated, a hint of worry in his voice.  
  
"Why didn't she remember?" Tom asked, his voice shaking.  
  
"I don't know, Lieutenant. There have been cases of patients reacting with amensia to traumatic incidents. Without doubt the Captain suffered an enormous loss."  
  
Kathryn wanted to scream at them, she wanted them to leave her alone, but her muscles wouldn't obey, as they continued their conversation. Why were they behaving as if she wasn't there?  
  
Contrary to what they believed, she could hear every single word, every medical explanation for the things she was going through right now. They even dared to assume what was going on in her head.  
  
She clenched her teeth and willed the numbness away for a second. Enough for her to turn around, enough to get a glimpse of the pity that was written all over their faces.  
  
"Stop that, both of you," she hissed. "You have no idea what I am going through, nor have you got any right to make assumptions. Go away and leave me alone. And doctor, I will never forgive you for not telling me the truth. Now, out!"  
  
The doctor tried to reason with her, "I am afraid that won't be possible, Captain. You need to focus again, you need to be there for your crew."  
  
"No," she muttered, "I won't. I can't. Leave me alone."  
  
She noticed Tom Paris slipping through the bedroom doors coming closer to the bed. Why hadn't she seen him leaving? Why hadn't he realised he was no longer wanted in the room? His arm stretched towards her, telling her that Chakotay wouldn't have wanted her being like this. Chakotay's people believed that the soul lived on. He told her to try contacting him. Only now did she realize that in his outstretched hand lay a bundle of leather. Chakotay's medicine bundle.  
  
She commanded her arm to raise the few centimeters so that she would be able to take the precious item from him. Clutching it to her breast, she managed to give Tom a hint of a smile. A smile that never reached her eyes. Those were hollow, deep pools of emptiness.  
  
Tom averted his eyes and looked at the doctor. "Let's leave her alone for a while, doc. She has to come to terms with the loss."  
  
"But... Why don't we just sedate her-" the doc began, earning a glare from Tom Paris.  
  
"What exactly would that solve? It didn't work yesterday, so why would it work today?"  
  
"It might just result in further amnesia. Do you want to go through this again?" He hissed as he pushed the EMH out of Chakotay's quarters.  
  
@ -;--  
  
She didn't know how much time had passed since they had left. She still lay there, unmoving, clutching the bundle in her arms. What if she went into the spirit world but wouldn't be able to find him? What if he wasn't waiting for her after all? Fear shot through her veins, almost panic. Could she take the risk and see it through? Could she dare to risk having the last of her hopes destroyed?  
  
All those thoughts, fear, ran through her mind as she tried to reach a decision. It took a long time, she didn't know how long. But she also didn't care. Time didn't matter anymore, for she didn't have a reason to care for anything anymore. She was afraid that this spirit quest would be the biggest mistake of her life. Maybe not the biggest for that had been not letting Chakotay know what she felt and not letting him be the part of her life he should have been. For a minute or two Kathryn knew she wouldn't risk it. She wouldn't try to find him in the afterlife. For if she didn't, she could just die and join him in death without having to wonder if he would be there, waiting for her. If she went on the spirit quest now and didn't find him, there would not only be no point in living, there would also be no point in dying.  
  
Kathryn had actually managed to give herself a headache with her musings. This painfully reminded her that she was still alive and that she still had to reach a decision.  
  
Her curiosity, her need to see him, finally won. She placed the akoonah in front of her after willing herself into a sitting position. Spreading the other items of his medicine bundle in front of her, her shaking hand reached out to touch the akoonah. Focusing on the little bracelet in her hand she recognized as hers, she repeated the words of his ancestors, his words, until darkness washed over her.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn opened her eyes as she felt water playing across her ankles and toes. She found herself sitting near the river, her back rested against the trunk. The scenario she found herself in seemed familiar, it was familiar. She smiled as she realized that this could be an indication that he was indeed waiting for her in the afterlife. Still, she doubted it, ever the scientist. She did not dare to look into the direction she knew he must have been hiding the day he took the photo. Instead her head was turned into the sun, her mind reaching out to find his, to touch him, to make sure he was indeed there.  
  
Suddenly, she felt his love embracing her like a warm shield. He was there, he was really there. And he was near, watching her. Opening her eyes she noticed him hiding behind a tree on the other side of the small stream.  
  
"Chakotay," she breathed, willing him to show himself to her.  
  
He must have felt her need, for he slowly came out of his hiding spot, smiling at her. It was the smile he reserved only for her.  
  
Kathryn burst into tears the moment she spotted him. He was there, he really was there. Just like he had promised. He would always be waiting for her.  
  
Her eyes were closed tightly as she felt a hand on her shoulder, drawing her into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair, kissing it gently. His arms stroked her back in an attempt to soothe her a little.  
  
"I'm so sorry," he repeated over and over again.  
  
After what seemed forever in his arms she felt him raising her chin. Her crying had subsided to an occasional hiccup that would shake her whole body. He glanced deep into her eyes and saw the emptiness and hopelessness that radiated from them.  
  
"Kathryn, I-" he began, only to be stopped by her lips crushing down onto his. Her hands travelled up his shirt to cup his face, to trace his tattoo, to make sure he really was there.  
  
He was the one to break the kiss what seemed an eternity later. His hand left her back long enough to brush the thumb across her lips, to brush the fingers over her cheeks, wiping the tears away that seemed to be replaced as soon as he had done so. Giving up on that, it returned to her back, hugging her tightly to him, never wanting to let go ever again.  
  
"I love you, Chakotay." Her whispered voice was muffled by his chest, "I love you."  
  
"I know," he answered. "And you know I love you."  
  
"I don't want to live on, Chakotay. I can't. Not without you," she began, another sob cursing through her body.  
  
"You can. You have to. You have to save your crew and ship from destruction and maybe, just maybe, you'll find the time to rescue me while you're at it."  
  
"You? How? I mean," she tried to phrase a question, but only could repeat, "How?"  
  
"You will see, Kathryn Janeway. I can't tell you anything more. Remember that I love you and that I will be with you in your heart," he reached out to feel it bumping wildly against his hand, "forever. Reach out to me, and I will be there, just remember that, love, and you will be fine," he tried his best to convince her.  
  
"No." She exclaimed in panic, sensing that this was his way of saying goodbye to her. "Don't leave me, don't leave me again," she sobbed as the tears began to fall freely.  
  
"I will never leave you, Kathryn," he breathed. As she felt the faint whisper of his lips on hers, she felt the darkness approaching. The darkness that was pulling her back into the abyss that was reality.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn willed herself to open her eyes and face reality. She was alive. She had to carry on. No matter how hard it was, she had to be brave. It took all her strength to straighten her back and sit upright in his bed. She lifted her trembling hand to wipe her tears away. They were still running freely down her cheeks, dampening her trousers. She felt so lonely, so very lonely. He seemed to be so far away. Almost unbearably far away. Kathryn shook her head.  
  
What had he said to her? *Reach out to me and I will be there, just remember that, love, and you will be fine.* It had sounded comforting when he said it, but it just wasn't that easy. It couldn't be that easy.  
  
But temptation got the better of her, as she reached out with her mind and this time nothing but his pure love came back to her. Smiling to herself, she knew he would always be there. It was time for her to try to do exactly what he had said. Chakotay had told her more than once that his father had become a very cryptic man after his death and she found that Chakotay seemed to go down the same path.  
  
She sighed, willing herself to get up to roam his closet. Her clothes clearly weren't in a state to be worn in public. The trousers were wet with her tears clinging to her legs where they weren't non-existant due to the attack. Her uniform top and turtleneck were dirty and in parts very much see-through material. All due to the attack that killed him. Anything else would have been better. Choosing a pair of plain black boxers and a t-shirt she felt ready to face life. Almost ready. As ready as she'd ever be in the next year or so. Still barefoot she found a pair of his socks and slipped them over. Eyeing herself in the mirror she couldn't quite believe it was herself staring back at her. She looked just as she felt: horrible.  
  
*If I can deal with this, the crew can as well,* she thought, setting her jaw. As she reached the doors that would lead her into Voyager's vast corridors, she turned around, promising herself she would be back that night and every night to come.  
  
But still, she found that she couldn't walk past the threshold. Something deep inside her held her back. Was there actually some of the Captain left in her? She found that no matter how hard she willed herself to move, she couldn't. Not in this attire. She sighed in resignation. Why couldn't she for once be a mourning widow to a man she had never married? The captain in her didn't allow this. Stepping backwards, she let the doors slide shut behind her again.  
  
"Computer, one uniform specifications for Janeway, Captain," she muttered under her breath, discarding the clothes she had worn on her way to the replicator. She picked up her new uniform and got dressed in a matter of minutes. Not long afterwards, after a quick glance in the mirror, she felt ready to face the world. Really ready this time. She actually was able to leave his quarters, looking slightly out of place and comic with her Starfleet uniform and dishevelled hair sticking out to all sides of her face.  
  
She was eyed warily as she made her way to the bridge. Why did every crewmember look at her as if she was completely out of her mind? Had they never seen their commanding officer clad in a Starfleet uniform? She had to admit that they had, but never walking around in obviously too big wool socks. She knew she'd forgotten something. Maybe she really had lost her mind, but at this point this was the only way to continue living.  
  
She strode onto the bridge, her eyes asking Tuvok for a report. But even before that she had to face Tom Paris who had turned around as soon as the lift doors opened, letting his eyes travel from her sock clad feet upwards, passing her standard uniform trousers and top, until he reached her face, his eyes showing concern and worry. She knew he couldn't and wouldn't say aloud what he wanted to ask, so she nodded her head, assuring him she was better.  
  
In a way, she was, after all. That nod also told him that she had indeed found the one she had searched for in her vision quest. Her eyes lingered on Tom a while longer before she turned to Tuvok. Under his raised eyebrow his eyes almost showed concern, though Kathryn doubted it. He was Vulcan, after all. At her nod he began his report.  
  
"After the attack three days ago," he seemed to hesitate, eyeing her response carefully, "we were attacked several times, and thus Voyager was severely damaged. We can't hold on for a much longer if these attacks continue. We might be able to withstand two, maybe three more attacks of the same force as the first ones were. Lieutenant Torres and her stuff do their best to repair all the damage. We barely have shields, no warp, only one phaser bank is working. The lower decks are all contaminated and sealed off."  
  
"How many?" Kathryn managed to breathe.  
  
"We have lost 60 crewmembers so far." Tuvok stated.  
  
Janeway clenched her fists, holding onto Tuvok's console for dear life as she willed away the wave of dizziness and nausea that threatened to overcome her.  
  
Tom was by her side immediately, steadying her carefully so that the other crewmembers wouldn't realize just how close she was to fainting. Kathryn swallowed.  
  
Tom closed his eyes briefly, and then asked, "Captain, can I speak to you in the ready room for a second?"  
  
He was about to guide her to the doors as Tuvok's hand snaked out to keep them from entering. Where had he come from?  
  
"The last hit destroyed the ready room, it had to be sealed off."  
  
Tom looked at the Vulcan, surprise in his eyes. "The observation lounge?" He asked, eyeing Tuvok warily.  
  
"Yes, that room is still accessible." Tuvok agreed as Tom guided his Captain into the other room.  
  
@ -;--  
  
"Captain?" he asked, as soon as the doors had slid closed behind them. He walked a little in front of her, then turned to look into her eyes.  
  
"Tom?" Kathryn asked, searching the young man's face for any sign of his motives. She found only genuine concern for her well being. "Thank you for rescuing me out there." The one corner of her mouth seemed to almost twitch into that lopsided grin of hers.  
  
"I wouldn't call it a rescue," Tom answered, as he took in the attire his Captain was in again. The socks seemed to be a few sizes too big for her, her perfect uniform seemed to be oddly out of place and her hair looked very dishevelled.  
  
"His?" he asked.  
  
She nodded, her eyes averting his to look down herself.  
  
"Didn't you find anything that was yours in his closet?" Tom immediately regretted what had slipped out of his mouth; he inwardly kicked himself.  
  
He saw Kathryn wince and could have slapped himself.  
  
"We weren't an item, Tom," Kathryn sighed as she briefly glanced up into his eyes.  
  
For a brief second he could see it all, the grief, the regret and the loneliness.  
  
"I know. Look, I'm sorry, Captain," he started.  
  
"It's okay, Tom. I'm okay," she grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly as if to convince him.  
  
"Do you want to talk about this, Captain? About what happened?"  
  
"I'm not gonna get rid of you otherwise, am I?" she sighed, some of the old sparkle returning to her eyes.  
  
"Not really," Tom admitted. "I want to make sure you're okay, or as close to okay as can be."  
  
She stepped closer towards him, her hand leaving his, after squeezing it reassuringly. "I know, Tom, I know. And I'm glad you care. I need to thank you for ordering me to the spirit quest. I found him. He's waiting for me."  
  
"I am glad. But that's not everything, is it?" Tom tilted his head questioningly.  
  
"You're in for a long story, Lieutenant. I'm not sure you want to hear it."  
  
"I will listen," Tom assured her.  
  
"You know I was very confused this morning?" She began, carefully choosing her words.  
  
"Yes, the doctor told me you didn't remember." Tom hesitated.  
  
"I did remember something, Tom. But it was Voyager's end. The end of every single one of us."  
  
"I don't understand-" Tom began as his face fell. He was scared of what he had just heard, scared that his captain might have lost it altogether, though her behaviour indicated otherwise.  
  
"You don't have to," Kathryn made clear. "I don't understand it myself. I remembered Voyager exploding, I mean, I remember a wave of heat, a fireball coming towards me, and then - nothing. The next thing I remember is waking up aboard Voyager, seemingly intact, with crewmembers alive and kicking. And then the Doctor didn't want to tell me what was wrong."  
  
"That was a mistake he won't repeat." Tom had winced at her vivid description, begging to whatever gods there were that this was never to become reality.  
  
"Maybe," Kathryn said hesitantly.  
  
"Then you found out about him," Tom stated softly, hoping she wouldn't break.  
  
"Yes, I did. But I think I had known all the time. I didn't feel his presence when I woke up. I know it sounds ridiculous, but we always shared a special bond. As if we were somehow attached to one another," Kathryn smiled weakly, her eyes watery.  
  
"It doesn't sound ridiculous. Really, Captain. More than once I've wondered how you did it. The Commander came into a room and you greeted him without ever looking up. Same for him when you came into a room, though he liked to look anyway."  
  
"That he did," Kathryn smiled dwelling in memories. "And then Tuvok stated we weren't likely to survive another two attacks." Her face sobered.  
  
"You mean you dreamed the future?" Tom wondered.  
  
"Maybe, Tom, maybe," she whispered as her mind repeated over and over again: *Don't let it come true. Prevent it happening.*  
  
"Captain, I'd like to take you to sickbay. Have the doctor check you." Tom moved towards the exit that led into a corridor rather than the bridge trying to pull her along.  
  
Kathryn stood stiffly, not allowing him to do so. "No, Tom. I'm fine, really. Chakotay made it clear that I had to move on in order to save him, the ship and every single crewmember."  
  
"I don't understand." Tom began.  
  
"Neither do I, but I want to find out. I will go back to Chakotay's quarters and get up to date with the logs."  
  
She tried to brush past him to flee the room, but he blocked her way. "I'll accompany you." He said, his body language telling Kathryn that there was no way she could shove him away.  
  
"Tom, that really isn't necessary." She tried, not wanting to give in.  
  
Tom wouldn't give ground. "It is, Captain. I'll just see you to the doors of his quarters, okay?"  
  
Kathryn sighed, "Okay." There was no sense in arguing with a stubborn Paris.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn sat on his bed, reading one of the many PADDs that were scattered all around her. She just had to make sure she got up to date with all that had happened. Maybe if she found out more about the aliens that attacked them, she would find a solution to the mess that lay before her.  
  
She was clad into Chakotay's boxers and t-shirt again, needed the connection to him. Everything smelled like him. It was as if he were still a part of her life. It was almost as if he were still alive. It felt good. It felt almost real.  
  
Voyager rocked violently under her, causing a piece of debris to fall on the bed, almost knocking her out. It missed her only by centimeters.  
  
She wanted nothing more then to be on the bridge fighting for her people, but Tuvok, Tom and the doctor had made it more than clear that she was to stay put in Chakotay's quarters. If anyone saw her making one step into the direction of the bridge she would be toast, in a way. She would of course have thrown all caution to the winds and stormed to the bridge, had it not been for the fact that Tuvok and the doctor had conspired against her a few days ago.  
  
She had been relieved of duty moments after Chakotay's death or so it seemed.  
  
The guards that had been positioned in front of the door, only waiting for her to come out, didn't help either. For the moment she was stuck where she was. It was for her own good, the doctor had assured her. Of course, he had wanted her to come to sickbay so that he would have her under control, but she wouldn't have any of it. She would stay in Chakotay's quarters and get some work done.  
  
The ship shook again as the red alert klaxons in his quarters suddenly stopped flashing and darkness washed over the room. For a moment even the stars seemed to have stopped twinkling.  
  
A sudden wave of panic washed over her, as she didn't hear Voyager's constant hum anymore. *Was this the end?* She thought. *Wasn't Voyager to end later than this? Was it all some kind of bad planning?*  
  
As the world around her seemed to explode into a thousand shiny stars, all she could think of was too early, before blackness engulfed her and she felt herself drawn away to the man she loved. 


	3. ~*~ 2 ~*~

Redux  
  
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net  
  
October 2001  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.  
  
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)  
  
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*  
  
@ -;-- 2 --;- @  
  
Kathryn woke up to Voyager's steady hum and someone working nearby. Where was she? She only remembered Voyager blowing up at least once, Chakotay's quarters definitely blowing up twice, once with Voyager as a whole, once possibly only with a part of the ship. She knew one thing for sure; she should be as dead as he was. She didn't know why she wasn't. It didn't make sense.  
  
"Captain, are you awake?" The doctor's voice disturbed her thoughts.  
  
"If I said no would you leave me alone?" She asked with a hint of humour in her voice.  
  
"No." He stated matter-of-factly.  
  
"Thought so," she sighed. "Could you dim the lights? I don't want to open my eyes only to be blinded again." she asked him, remembering the last time she woke up in sickbay. It seemed to have been yesterday.  
  
"Yes, Captain," he agreed and ordered the computer to do so.  
  
"You can open them now," he said.  
  
Kathryn did at the doctor's prompting and found herself in sickbay. She had seen that coming, of course, though she didn't really know why.  
  
"Why am I in sickbay, doctor?" She asked him nervously, asking the question that dominated her thoughts.  
  
"You are here after a nervous breakdown, Captain. I had to sedate you to keep you from hurting yourself and others."  
  
"Others being the aliens that killed him?" Kathryn found it extremely hard to get those words out.  
  
"Others being those and everyone else who tried to keep you from doing any harm to yourself."  
  
"Ouch," Kathryn stated, rubbing the base of her nose. "I understand. Actually, I don't. I remember myself being all right yesterday." Kathryn began, as she decided it might be best not to add that at the end of her day she had died.  
  
"Ever since Commander Chakotay's death 2 days ago you were in a state of deep shock, thus relieved of duty."  
  
"Two days ago?" Kathryn asked astonished, reality and the truth dawning on her.  
  
"That's what I said, yes," the doctor assured her.  
  
"I need to talk to Tom Paris, immediately," Kathryn jumped off the biobed, regretting it as she had the day before, or was that the day prior? She wasn't sure anymore. She washed away the dizziness as she made her way to the sickbay doors. Unfortunately the doctor didn't quite agree with her plans, which she painfully had to experience. She bumped into his form.  
  
"Doctor, you could have just said stop," Kathryn regarded him furiously.  
  
"And then what? You would have stopped. Oh, please," the doctor shook his head. "I prefer the fail proof way: projecting myself into your path."  
  
"Thanks, it's the way that hurts. A lot!" Kathryn growled. "Now, why did you want me to stop?"  
  
"Don't you think you should get dressed first?" The doctor suggested gesturing at the revealing sickbay gown she wore.  
  
"Thanks doc," Kathryn grinned. "Almost forgot about that one. Where are my clothes?" she asked.  
  
"I will get them for you. You. Wait."  
  
"Aye sir," Kathryn stood to attention.  
  
"I am glad you feel better, Captain."  
  
"We'll see, maybe I really am." She muttered to herself as the doctor hurried into the other room to get her clothes. As it turned out her slightly burnt uniform was waiting for her. Kathryn took a deep breath. She could only imagine when it had been burnt and she didn't really want to think about it.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn stood in front of the Paris's rooms, somewhat afraid to ring the chime. The computer had confirmed that he was, indeed, in his quarters. But she still felt reluctant to make her presence known. As her finger snaked out to the chime, only to be retreated once again, she shook her head violently. What had happened to her? Since when had she been a chicken when it came to facing the inevitable? She decided that if she could face the Borg and defeat them more than once, she could also live through what was to come. Though, she had to admit, Chakotay had always been by her side to strengthen her.  
  
Always, till now. She tried another approach. Kathryn had made it to Captain without ever knowing who that Chakotay person was. She had lived through academy, through losing her father and her fiancÃ©, she would deal with this loss. She would carry on.  
  
She knew that she was pathetic. There was no way to compare Justin's death with Chakotay's. Both had broken her heart, but looking back she wasn't sure a marriage with Justin would have lasted long if Chakotay had come into the picture as he had. She forced herself to focus and willed her arm to move.  
  
As her finger snaked out this time, she pushed the button and heard the doorchime announce her. She was asked in almost immediately.  
  
As she passed the threshold, Tom looked up from his place in front of his ancient TV set. B'Elanna lay on the couch beside him, her head nestled into Tom's lap, a blanket covering her. Kathryn felt like an intruder as she saw B'Elanna lying there. Her chief engineer's tear-stained face was lit by the light emanating from the TV set. She wanted to turn around that instance and flee the room. She felt bad about disturbing them. But Tom kept her from running away.  
  
"Captain, what can I do for you?" He asked, rousing B'Elanna from sleep with his words.  
  
"Captain?" she asked shakigly.  
  
"Shh, love," he answered. "Sleep. I'll be back." With that he lifted her head enough to slip out from under her. He brushed a kiss across her ridges before he faced his captain.  
  
"How can I help you?" He repeated, concern evident in his features.  
  
"Could we talk? I need to talk to you." Kathryn asked, seeming absent, distant, as if she was deep in thought.  
  
"Yes, Captain. Could we maybe do this in your quarters?" Tom asked gesturing towards his wife who had fallen asleep again.  
  
"Sure," Janeway agreed, as she took in the form of her Chief Engineer. "It hit her hard," she added, sorrow evident in her unsteady voice.  
  
"He was like a brother to her. He was her brother in almost every sense of the word, just not biologically," Tom tried to explain.  
  
"I know, Tom. But what I've got to say might be a glimmer of hope for you and her. For all of us," Kathryn tried to explain.  
  
"Okay, let's go," he smiled, wondering what had happened to have his Captain recover to some degree. She seemed to be a lot better compared to the state she had been in not long ago. Had it not been for the haunted look in her eyes he would have said she was back to normal. He was anticipating what she wanted to inform him of.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn led him into her quarters wincing at the chaos that seemed to reign there. She now remembered that there had been something she had been planning to do the beginning of the week before the disaster struck. She had obviously wanted to clean her rooms. As they were now, they spoke of a definite caffeine addiction and a busy life. Cups lay scattered around everywhere. She also noticed that she hadn't had the time to clean up her clothes. It was very hard not to notice for they seemed to be everywhere. Janeway remembered emptying her closet at one point that seemed so long ago now, in order to find a certain dress that had hid in a far corner of her closet. And instead of replacing it all she had let time passed with the result that now, every little piece of clothing she owned lay scattered along her floor.  
  
"Uhm, well," Kathryn seemed to be a little taken back at the scenario, "I didn't remember that it looked that bad. Excuse the mess, but since the ready room is not an option, I thought this was the next best thing." *Not an option, Kathryn thought sarcastically. Quite an understatement, since it was space dust, destroyed in one of the prior attacks.*  
  
"Captain, the ready room is in perfect shape, why is it not an option?" Tom asked carefully, afraid that his Captain had lost her mind.  
  
"Right," Kathryn considered what to say next and decided for the shocking approach. "So be glad we aren't in it right now. It's due to blow up sometime today. It's not a safe place to be, believe me. I was blown into pieces twice the last two days, it's not a pretty feeling, nor something I would advise you to do on a common basis."  
  
"You lost me." Tom stated looking indeed pretty out of it. His brow was furrowed as he tried to understand where she was heading or if what she said made any slightest bit of sense.  
  
"I am not sure I get what I'm implying either," Kathryn assured him. "You have to think I've completely lost it."  
  
"The thought crossed my mind," Tom admitted, as an evil grin spread across his face.  
  
"It's only that you seemed pretty open-minded the last time we talked about it."  
  
"The last time I saw you you tried to kill me, Captain," Tom tried to explain. He remembered his Captain kicking at him, as he tried to restrain her. Then she had tried to lung for his throat while two security men tried to keep her from doing it. That had been the time when the doctor decided a hypospray was a good idea to solve the problem, if only temporarily.  
  
"From your point of view, it was, Tom," Kathryn tried to explain, knowing that the last time for her had not yet happened for Tom.  
  
"Now you really lost me. You're not making any sense," Tom stated dumbfounded.  
  
"Want some coffee?" Kathryn offered, as she made her way to the replicator.  
  
"Didn't you want to tell me what this is all about?" Tom began.  
  
"Coffee first," Kathryn smiled fondly, "coffee makes your mind clear, coffee helps you focus, coffee keeps you awake, coffee keeps you sharp."  
  
"Okay, okay," Tom laughed, "I'll take one. And you're truly an addict."  
  
"I just value the stuff and can't function without it. Okay, so I am. Don't tell-" She grew sober, then gulped.  
  
She closed her eyes briefly, breathed in the coffee she had replicated and handed him one cup. "Anyway, where were we?" She began as she motioned for him to sit on the sofa.  
  
He placed his coffee cup on the table considering it. He realized that there was no space for him in between laundry, coffee cups, PADDs and whatever else seemed to have a permanent residence on her couch, and grinned: "Where on the sofa?"  
  
"Just throw the stuff to the floor, Tom," Kathryn shook her head. "Have you never lived in chaos yourself?"  
  
"Those days are over," Tom sighed. "I am mister perfect now." The twinkle in his eyes told her otherwise.  
  
She chuckled: "Yeah, sure. Ready for a tale, helmboy?"  
  
"As ready as can be," Tom admitted. He finally sat down on the couch. The pile that he had placed to the floor now lay at his feet reaching well above his knees. "Impressive," he added. He knew it had been a lot of stuff, but this was, indeed, impressive.  
  
"Never underestimate a woman's packing skills, when it comes to what men call untidiness. On second thought, most women call it that as well. Even I do, occassionally," Kathryn babbled.  
  
"Okay, okay," Tom's hands motioned for her to calm down. Then he tried bringing her back on topic. As much as he enjoyed the playful banter between him and the Captain, he knew it was just some kind of protective shield for her. Her laughter and her smile never reached her eyes. The sadness was always prominent. She just got better hiding it behind her playful behaviour. "Didn't you want to explain the confusing stuff you mentioned earlier?"  
  
"Right," Kathryn sobered somewhat.  
  
She seemed to focus onto a point somewhere slightly right to his right shoulder. He knew that it was the window, or more precisely the stars streaking by she concentrated on as she tried to find a way to tell him whatever she wanted to share with him. Tom felt slightly uncomfortable as he didn't know what was to come. Nor could he have ever imagined something as confusing as what he was about to hear.  
  
"Let me start at the beginning," Kathryn took a deep breath before she started to babble, "The first thing I remember is Voyager blowing up. A ball of heat rushed towards me and then nothing. Not pretty, I can assure you of that. Well, next thing is, I wake up in sickbay and the doc refuses to tell me what's up. And he won't tell me why I am there either. So I flee the room when he's not there, trying to find Chakotay. Before long, I find myself in his quarters. He is not there. I still think it's some kind of sick joke, but have the guts to ask the computer of his whereabouts, and then, of the last log entry considering him. The cruel thing plays the doctor's entry to the medical file and all I hear is 'Time of death 10:30.' Soon afterwards you and the doc find me lying on his bed in a deep state of shock. You try to help me by handing me his medicine bundle. Then the two of you leave me alone and I go into trance and I find him. He heals me to some degree. When I wake up again I am actually able to do something. I get dressed, go to the bridge and talk to you in the observation lounge because the ready room was destroyed. Then you bring me to his quarters and a while later while I am reading a padd, there is another attack and I am blown into pieces once again. Next thing I know: I wake up this morning. Chakotay died two days ago and now I am talking to you again. I just hope my quarters are spared today. I have no desire to be the victim of yet another explosion." Kathryn only stopped to take a deep breath once in a while. When she was finished, she looked at him expectantly. She was wondering whether or not he got her point.  
  
"So you're telling me what exactly?" Confusion was written all over Paris's face.  
  
"Tom, you're a bright guy. Draw your own conclusion," Kathryn challenged him, her eyes never leaving his. She saw it dawning on him as he considered what she had said for a while.  
  
"That's strange... as if you were - nah," Tom shook his head in disbelief. "This can't be," he added.  
  
"Say it, Tom," Kathryn insisted, her body moving forward in anticipation as she kept looking into his eyes.  
  
"As if you were going back in time," Tom blurted out, afraid that he sounded like a complete fool.  
  
"Bingo," Kathryn clapped her hands together to emphasize her outburst. "That was my conclusion as well." She seemed somewhat content that she hadn't lost her mind, or drawn the wrong comclusions from what she thought to have experienced the past days - or was that days to come?  
  
Tom wasn't that easy to please. "Are you sure? I mean, why? How? God, I think I've got a headache," Tom groaned as he let himself fall backwards, smashing his head against the backrest time and again.  
  
"That won't help," Kathryn told him, her eyes twinkling. "I tried before."  
  
He had actually reacted quite well to the news. Better than she had expected him to.  
  
Tom stopped momentarily, opened one eye and regarded his Captain. "I am glad you're feeling better, Captain. Even if that means that I have to suffer." Tom rubbed his temples as if to make a point.  
  
Kathryn almost felt guilty for sharing this load with him. But on second thought, she didn't know anyone else she would have confided in. Harry still was too scared of her to challenge her, B'Elanna was in no condition to argue with her and Seven and Tuvok were too logical to even consider her going backwards in time. The doctor probably would have sedated her as soon as she mentioned something like the hope to get Chakotay back. She would have been in careful psychological care from then on. Which only meant, she would have lost a day. But losing a day was not what she could afford to do right now.  
  
She focused on the task at hand again and decided to worsen Paris's headache. "Any ideas, Tom?" She asked, not without an evil grin.  
  
"Me?" Tom looked at her astonished. He couldn't quite believe that the Captain had confided in him of all people and now she wanted his opinion on what was to do. He decided to give it a thought, if only to prove her that she chose the right person.  
  
"Yes, you," Kathryn regarded him, patiently waiting for an answer.  
  
After a long pause Tom finally seemed to have thought of something. "Oh my," he began, trying to focus his mind on what he wanted to say. "We have to find out about the aliens. Why did they attack? Why do they keep attacking us? Who are they?"  
  
"Good, Tom," Kathryn reached out to touch his arm briefly in encouragement.  
  
"Is Harry still alive?" Kathryn asked, knowing that the odds for Harry's survival never ran high.  
  
"Alive and kicking," Tom answered, grinning knowingly.  
  
"Seven?" She continued.  
  
"If you can call her usual self alive, then she is," Tom said.  
  
"Good," Kathryn nodded. "Tell them to meet you in Astrometrics. We have a task to accomplish." Her whole body has straightened somewhat and her sheer determination once again made her look a lot bigger, less fragile, than she actually was.  
  
Tom smiled. The Captain was back and had a task to accomplish. "Aye, ma'am," Tom answered, as he jumped up to rush to the door.  
  
Kathryn started to lead him there, but was too slow. Leaning into the corridor, Kathryn shook her head and shouted after him: "Dismissed."  
  
Tom waved his hand without turning back to her. "You're no longer Captain, remember, Captain?" he shouted back.  
  
"Then stop calling me that," she yelled, shaking her head at the irony of his statement.  
  
"Aye, ma'am," he answered before he disappeared behind a corner.  
  
Kathryn shook his head in disbelief. What was up with her? The chance of getting Chakotay back had made her extremely lightheaded. The whole exchange with Tom seemed to be almost juvenile. Coming to think of it, it had been juvenile. She willed herself to get a grip on herself. She was a Starfleet Captain who had just lost a loved one. The crew expected her to run around distant and sad or to shut herself into his or her quarters. And here she was standing in a corridor grinning like a loon who had lost it.  
  
She had to concentrate. She had to get a grip on herself. She knew there was no guarantee she would actually accomplish her task and safe him. She wouldn't throw it all away or do some sort of mistake just because she was light-headed because of the fact Tom came to the same conclusion she had come to.  
  
She had to concentrate.  
  
@ -;--  
  
As she went back into her quarters she shoved the stuff that once had had its place on her sofa into her bedroom, kicking it all into the direction. She winced, holding her toe after her foot connected with one of the countless coffee mugs that were part of the pile.  
  
Deciding it was not going to work this way she collected at least as many mugs as she could hold with two hands and discarded them into the replicator. She watched them disappear and then went on collecting some of the padds. Discarding those onto her desk, she had to be careful not to have them drop onto the floor again, for it was hopelessly over-packed with the usual 3 sorts of items. Throwing clothes onto the floor, she was pretty certain the pile would hold, so she made her way to the replicator again, both arms full of mugs again. As they disappeared, she was already on her way to pick up at least some of the clothes. On her way to her bedroom she passed a mirror and stopped dead in her tracks.  
  
She groaned as she saw the ghost that stared back at her. Her hair was dishevelled, which she had almost come to accept by now, her uniform was still stained and she could make out traces of dirt on her face and her hands. Was that a bruise on her neck? She couldn't tell. Her face was ashen, which helped to show off the dirt rather unpleasantly. Shaking her head, she knew this was no attire to present oneself in. She couldn't believe she had faced Tom Paris the way she looked.  
  
She opted for a quick shower and a change of dress before she would join the others in Astrometrics. There was no way she would leave her quarters otherwise. She remembered that she had been close to leaving Chakotay's quarters in his boxers and t-shirt the day before, marvelling at the irony of it all.  
  
On her way to the bathroom she left a trail of clothes behind her, a uniform jacket here, trousers there. All of it mended pretty well with the rest of her clothes on the bedroom floor. Finally, she leaned against the wall of the sonic shower wishing she had the time for a long soak in the bathtub.  
  
*Soaking would get you thinking, Kathryn,* she told herself. *Shower is good, shower is quick.*  
  
Deciding there was no way to convince herself that a sonic shower was the better way to cleanse herself, she decided to just get it over with and commanded the computer to switch it on, feeling the dirt drop away from her. There was nothing better than real water to wash oneself. Why didn't she have the time?  
  
After a long while she stepped out into her living room, clad only in a tank top and underwear. Hopping from one foot to the other, she tried to concentrate on walking, trying not to trip over anything that still lay in her way and getting her uniform trousers on at the same time. As she attempted the same while putting her socks on, she failed miserably, landing on her behind with a thud. Luckily she missed a PADD and a mug only by inches. She felt very lucky, indeed. She would have laughed if it hadn't hurt that much.  
  
Shaking her head, Kathryn tried to stand upright again, rubbing her bottom with her hand while grabbing her uniform jacket with the other. A quick glance into the mirror told her that she looked as decent as possible under the circumstances and made a run for Astrometrics.  
  
She was already late.  
  
@ -;--  
  
As Kathryn arrived at Astrometrics three heads turned to where she was. Tom was leaning to the wall close to the entry obviously waiting for her. Seven and Harry had been busy at the circular console in the middle of the room.  
  
"Captain," Tom said acknowledging her.  
  
"What did you tell Tuvok?" Kathryn asked curiously.  
  
"That I needed Harry to work on something in Astrometrics. A hunch I had about the attacks," Tom explained to his Captain, watching her closely. She definitely looked better than before, he realized. She had obviously had a change of clothes and a shower after he had left her quarters.  
  
"And he let him accompany you due to a hunch?" Kathryn asked, wonder and disbelief written all over her face.  
  
"He's acting captain, I am acting XO. He told me to return him as soon as my hunch proved to be only that," Tom smiled.  
  
"He let you out without any suspicions?" Kathryn still couldn't believe it. Maybe Tuvok had grown soft to human traits after all. But deep inside herself, she couldn't believe that was the case. Maybe Tuvok had seen some kind of logic in Tom's actions. Maybe he knew Janeway had been the person behind Tom's request. Kathryn was pretty sure Tuvok had not fallen for Tom's reason.  
  
"Maybe he learned to trust human hunches to one degree. And maybe he thought research would be a logical way to solve the conflict," Tom tried.  
  
"Might be," smiled Janeway. "Do the two of you know what this is all about?" Kathryn turned towards Harry and Seven who had listened to the exchange of the other two carefully.  
  
"Yes. Though I find that I don't understand it. Why do you assume that you go backward in time?" Seven asked briskly.  
  
Tom groaned, "Seven let's just assume for the moment she does, okay? We want to find out what exactly happened two days ago during the first attack. So the question if or if not the Captain is going backwards in time is simply irrelevant. Can we do that, Seven? Can we just try to find out what happened? Without any further questions?" Tom was obviously more than slightly unnerved by the Ex-Borg's constant arguing.  
  
She just looked at him and nodded without any further word. Kathryn idly wondered if Seven was pouting inside. She didn't even wince nor show any sign of emotions on the outside.  
  
"Good," Kathryn exclaimed. "Now let's start. Harry, I suggest you take internal sensors, Seven you are to check the external sensors, Tom, you and I will check the logs. Deal?" Kathryn looked at Tom apologetically. He was the commanding officer in the room, but still, old habits died hard. He smiled at her and with a wink of his hand indicated for her to go ahead. He was comfortable with her to have command.  
  
"Yes, ma'am," Harry exclaimed hesitantly, not really content with the thought of watching Chakotay's death again.  
  
"It's your mission, Captain, but is it wise?" Tom whispered to Kathryn.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Shouldn't we do this all together?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we never know when Tuvok will need us back on the bridge. Maybe it will be before we can report to you and you will have nothing again."  
  
"We have two hours," Kathryn whispered back watching Tom's face pale, "but I do see your point." She then raised her voice. "Listen all, Tom just pointed out that it might be better to do one thing at a time, together. I opt for internal sensors first."  
  
"Aye, ma'am," Harry agreed again.  
  
"Don't push it, mister," Kathryn answered, shaking her head.  
  
@ -;--  
  
They had been going over the sensor data time and again, without finding any real solution.  
  
"See this?" Kathryn pointed at the alien ship that appeared on the screen. They don't look hostile. They don't even approach on an intercept course. They seem to just mind their business. Freeze picture. See? They are almost past us when they shoot. End sequence." She squeezed her eyes shut before the screen could show Chakotay's death again.  
  
They discussed the data over and over again, watching the attack from different angles, until Kathryn really was sick of it and decided to put an end to this approach. Judging by the others' behaviour they were getting fed up quickly as well. "We agree that this might have been an accident. We only need some sort of proof," she sighed.  
  
"I agree," Seven stated blatently.  
  
"Yes," Janeway agreed, "You got it, Seven."  
  
"No, I did not get it," she corrected.  
  
Tom moved behind the ex-Borg raising his hands as if he wanted to strangle her.  
  
"I see your point, Captain," Harry tried the diplomatic approach. "See, Seven, they react illogically. They shoot, do a lot of damage and then instead of continuing their assault, they stop altogether. Is that logical, Seven?"  
  
"No, it isn't," the ex-Borg had to admit, "So you are trying to say that because they did not continue to fight their motives were not to destroy Voyager? Or do damage? They did damage Voyager. Why did they shoot in the first place when they did not want to do harm?"  
  
"Seven, have you ever heard of accidents? Or what the word 'accident' means?" Tom groaned.  
  
"Accident. I am aware of the meaning of this word," Seven stated.  
  
"I am getting a headache," Kathryn sighed, rubbing her temples.  
  
They discussed the data over yet again and still didn't come to a conclusion. Kathryn decided she had had enough of it. "We agree that this might have been an accident. We only need some sort of proof," she sighed.  
  
"I agree," Seven stated blantly.  
  
"Oh wow," Tom said not without a hint of sarcasm.  
  
"Sarcasm is futile," Seven added.  
  
Tom closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was not going to have her get to him. It wasn't worth the wrath of Kathryn Janeway if he attempted to kill the ex-drone now. Tom sighed.  
  
Kathryn was having similar thoughts. Killing Seven wouldn't exactly have any consequences. She would just be alive again the day before. The thought made a smile tug at her lips. Definitely worth considering.  
  
"How can we prove it?" Harry asked, looking from his Captain to Tom to Seven and back to Janeway. His forehead was furrowed with worry for the ex- borg. He wondered if she realized that the other two had a manic gleam in their eyes, a gleam that might prove to be lethal for the blonde woman.  
  
"Tuvok to Astrometrics. Please respond."  
  
Harry was relieved to hear the voice of the stoic Vulcan. Tuvok definitely had great timing. He had just saved the life of Seven of Nine.  
  
Kathryn nodded towards Tom who replied at her silent order. "Paris here. What is it, Tuvok?"  
  
"Mr Paris, Mr Kim, please report to the bridge immediately. Captain, please return to crew quarters."  
  
Kathryn's brows shot up in amazement. How could he know she was there? She wasn't wearing a commbadge after all. But she should have known. Tuvok wasn't chief of security without a reason. So he had indeed known that she had been Tom's motivation for the Astrometrics mission. She shook her head, a bright smile tugging at her lips.  
  
"Aye, sir," Tom acknowledged, cutting the commlink. He asked Harry to go ahead to the bridge and then turned to Kathryn. "I will see the Captain to her quarters and follow you afterwards."  
  
Harry nodded and strode out of the door.  
  
"Captain, after you," Tom grinned gesturing for her to go first.  
  
"Aye sir," Kathryn grinned back and quickly made her way to the door.  
  
As they closed behind them, Tom addressed her again. "Didn't you tell me earlier that Astrometrics would blow up soon?"  
  
"Well, yes?" Kathryn smiled at him, trying her best to look innocent.  
  
"You're evil," he laughed as he followed her retreating form through the corridors.  
  
Seven was definitely in for a surprise.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn was pacing Chakotay's quarters as the ship rocked with yet another attack. She felt fairly safe where she was, knowing that Chakotay's quarters would blow up the day afterwards and not that day. But she also didn't know what parts of her ship where ripped apart right now, how many lives would be lost in this senseless battle.  
  
She paced on and on until her feet wouldn't obey her assault anymore. She was tired, she was exhausted. It had been a short but intense day so far with lots of things already accomplished and the solution almost there. It had been an accident; the whole thing had been an accident.  
  
It might have been, anyway.  
  
Kathryn couldn't tell for sure, but she still believed in the good. And those ships might have been good. One shot, then minutes passed until Voyager was able to shoot back and destroy the ship. Why hadn't they shot another time? Why hadn't they destroyed Voyager while they had every chance to do so? Why hadn't they tried to?  
  
Kathryn knew that there was no chance for her to go back to Astrometrics to check it out. Tuvok had unknowingly rescued all of them when he called them away from that room prior to the attacks. Astrometrics already was or would be destroyed in this battle. Kathryn had read about it the day afterwards. She contemplated what she could do now. She simply wasn't the right person to sit around and do nothing. She had to distract herself. Thinking would only bring back the fear of losing him. Fear of not being able to bring him back.  
  
Kathryn stopped in front of his bed, glancing briefly at the picture of herself at the side of it. Remembering the other day she made a decision. She would contact him again and confide in him. Maybe he would be able to shed some light onto her lines of thought. He had always managed to help her focus. His cryptic ghost should be able to do that as well, shouldn't he?  
  
She went back into the living room, retrieving his medicine bundle from where she knew he was keeping it.  
  
She crawled onto his bed, crossing her feet as she sat down. Opening the bundle she unpacked the akoonah and his personal items. Her hand touched the akoonah, closing her eyes as the sensations flowed through her, and she murmured the ancient words of his people, over and over again, until complete darkness engulfed her.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Smiling, as she felt sunrays warming her face, Kathryn opened her eyes to search for him. She found herself on that same spot, dangling her feet in the water. "At this rate I am going to get a tan," she grinned.  
  
"Or freckles," Kathryn heard him adding as she felt his arms sneaking around her form.  
  
She wriggled her nose. "No. No freckles. No way," she protested. "Captain's don't get freckles."  
  
"They do," he told her as he planted butterfly kisses onto her face. "There. And there. And there."  
  
"Stop that," she laughed, as she slapped him playfully across the chest.  
  
"Aye, ma'am," he assured her, as he leaned down to plant a last kiss onto the tip of her nose.  
  
"Hey," she growled.  
  
He shrugged, "I missed one." Grinning an irresistible smile.  
  
She hugged him close, feeling content where she was. She never wanted to let go again. But with that the reality of her surroundings crept in. Or, more precisely, the fact that it was not real. That it was some kind of mental image, a spirit world that was nowhere near reality.  
  
"I am afraid, Chakotay," she sighed.  
  
He pulled away just enough to look into her eyes. "I know."  
  
"What if it wasn't an accident after all? What if I can't rescue you? What if my hunch proves to be wrong?" She babbled, desperately trying to express her feelings to him.  
  
"We will be joined either way," was his answer.  
  
"Sheesh, I hate your new cryptic self," Kathryn shook her head in frustration.  
  
"No, you don't," he corrected.  
  
"Stop it," she growled at him.  
  
Chakotay pretended to be insulted and backed away from her, leaving her alone to think about what she said. "As you wish, Kathryn."  
  
His words hit her more than she was willing to acknowledge to herself. "Come back, damnit," she called after him. "I need you!"  
  
"Rescue me, Kath. You have one day to find out what went wrong," he said as he turned back and enclosed her in his arms again.  
  
"I don't want to fail," Kathryn sobbed, as everything came back to her. How did she keep going from playful and happy to facing the reality of her loss in a matter of seconds? Was it some sort of depression? Kathryn was pretty sure that given the circumstances, it was.  
  
"Then don't," he answered.  
  
They stood there for a long time hugging each other tightly. Kathryn wanted to stay like this forever. Maybe there was a possibility to remain in this afterlife. Maybe there was the possibility to stay. She desperately wanted to.  
  
"No," Chakotay sighed.  
  
"No what?" Kathryn asked, looking up towards him in confusion.  
  
"You have to go, Kathryn. You have to give the real us, the living us a chance, promise me that, promise me," Chakotay caught her eyes with his, needing her to make a promise.  
  
"But," she began.  
  
"No buts, just promise," Chakotay insisted. "I want to have the chance to have children with you, you know."  
  
Kathryn closed her eyes to escape his stare. "I, I promise," she finally whispered, dropping her head to his chest. "I promise."  
  
"Good," he assured her, letting his hands soothe her by running lazy circles across her back. "Good."  
  
"But why?" Kathryn tried again.  
  
"Because you have to."  
  
"Don't start to get cryptic at me again, mister." Kathryn growled.  
  
She knew she would have to leave him soon. Something inside her was drawn back to reality. She knew he felt it too, felt her leaving already.  
  
"Kiss me," she whispered, trying to cling to him desperately.  
  
He did as she ordered, whispering, "I love you" before she disappeared in front of this eyes. She had to succeed. She just had to.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn awoke from her trance, tears streaming down her face. She really should stop herself from visiting him. This time it had seemed harder to leave him than it had the first time. But this strange force always seemed to pull her back after some minutes, or was that hours? Kathryn realized that she had lost all track of time while being with him. She did not know if time went by at the same rate in both worlds. Maybe she was pulled back because her subconscious reminded her that she had a body to come back to.  
  
She needed to rescue him. She had to succeed. If not for her own good then because she had promised him to. She had to succeed. If she didn't manage to she could still die and join him in their heaven that was New Earth. Her life would be ended, either by the aliens that would destroy Voyager or by her own hands. There was not really any way to fail her mission, she thought contented.  
  
Some kind of a no-ose situation, Kathryn thought to herself, wiping the last of her tears away. That certainly was something new to her.  
  
She felt the exhaustion getting the better of her, as she lay sprawled across Chakotay's bed. She barely had the energy to repack his medicine bundle and cradle it to her chest when sleep hit her.  
  
For once in the past/prior days Kathryn's day didn't end with her death. She slept peacefully, her face buried deeply into his cushion, taking in the scent of him with every single breath. 


	4. ~*~ 1 ~*~

Redux  
  
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net  
  
October 2001  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.  
  
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)  
  
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*  
  
@ -;-- 1 --;- @  
  
As she woke up, she knew she was in sickbay yet again, as every morning. This had to be the morning after hell broke loose, the morning after Chakotay died. Kathryn kept her eyes shut a moment longer, determining if she should even bother to get up or do as much as open her eyes. The doctor would get suspicious if she was her usual self, actually looking forward to the day to come. She made her mental plan for the day.  
  
She would have to tell Tom everything yet again. She would have to find proof that this really had been an accident, and she would have to convince the doc to dismiss her from sickbay. The last task was the first one she had to accomplish. And she already wondered how she would ever succeed in it.  
  
"Captain, I know you are awake," the doc stated. She heard the steady beep of a tricorder coming closer and then growing faint again.  
  
"What's the diagnosis of this patient?" Kathryn asked, willing her eyes to remain shut.  
  
"This patient was sedated due to a nervous breakdown," the doctor explained.  
  
"Oh," Kathryn sobered, then added. "Can you dim the lights a little? I don't want to open my eyes to those bright blinding sickbay lights."  
  
"Sure," the doc muttered and asked the computer for half illumination.  
  
Kathryn opened her eyes and took in her surroundings.  
  
"Have there been other attacks," she asked as she swung her legs over the rim of the biobed and sat up, using her hands to stabilize herself against the dizziness that threatened to get the better of her.  
  
"Not since the first attack that killed Commander Chakotay yesterday," the doc tested her response eyeing her carefully.  
  
She let her face fall, looking at the ground for a few seconds, and then she let her watery eyes travel up again, tears threatening to overwhelm her.  
  
"The rest of the crew?" She asked, her voice shaking.  
  
"Everyone is fine. The ship is in good care. Tuvok is acting captain, Paris is acting XO," the doctor told her.  
  
"Good," Kathryn sighed, trying to stand.  
  
"Captain, what do you think you're doing?" The doctor rushed to her side.  
  
"What does this look like?" Kathryn asked annoyed.  
  
"You won't leave sickbay just yet, Captain. Not for another day or so."  
  
Kathryn sighed and willed herself to stay calm. "I am fine, really, doc. I didn't want to leave sickbay just yet."  
  
"Right," the doctor stated not believing a word she had said, "What are you trying to do then?"  
  
"I want to see him," Kathryn breathed.  
  
"I don't think that's advisable," the doctor tried to persuade her.  
  
Kathryn cut him off. "I need to say goodbye, doctor. I need to say goodbye in order to carry on."  
  
Sighing the doctor had to admit that he saw her point. His database unfortunately agreed with the captain on this one. Saying goodbye to loved ones helped them to cope. He nodded as he held her arm to guide her into the other room. Kathryn followed him willingly.  
  
Why had she told him she wanted to see him? Why did she do something like that to herself? Could she bear facing him? His pale, dead face? His cold body? She didn't really have a choice, did she?  
  
She had to persuade the doctor that she had a grip on life again, that she would be fine, even when left alone and dismissed from sickbay. So she had to say goodbye - if not for herself then for the doctor to believe.  
  
@ -;--  
  
She stood at the door for a long while contemplating why she was doing this to herself. But she knew she didn't really have a choice if she wanted the doctor to let her go. She closed her eyes, as she braced herself for what was to come. She then clenched her fists and took a deep breath.  
  
She looked back at the doctor who eyed her suspiciously. She could tell by the way he stood that he was not entirely happy with what she was about to do.  
  
Kathryn set her jaw as she decided to cross the threshold. She would prove the EMH that it was the right thing to do for her, that it would help her to get a grip on life and living again.  
  
She closed her eyes again as she took a step closer to the doors hearing them hiss open. One foot before the other, Kathryn forced herself forward. She stopped abruptly as the doors shut behind her. She didn't need to go any further into the room.  
  
*Open your eyes, Kathryn,* she told herself, but it didn't have the desired effect. "Open your eyes, damnit," she growled aloud. There. That was better. Her eyes reacted and she saw the floor before her.  
  
"Raise your head, Kathryn," she snapped at herself. "You can do this, don't be a chicken," she added.  
  
She wondered briefly if the EMH could hear her giving orders to herself and found she didn't care. That was odd, actually, for she usually minded things like that a lot.  
  
Doing as she had ordered herself, Kathryn faced what she had to. Him. If she hadn't known that he was dead she'd have thought he was just sleeping. She covered the few steps to his side quickly to check if it all had been a bad joke after all.  
  
No breath left his lips, his ribcage didn't move. His skin was scarily white and translucent which hadn't been apparent in the dim sickbay light from the distance. Kathryn shivered. The indigo lines of his tattoo contrasted against the pale skin of his face and the greyish black of his hair. He had aged the past years, she realized. Funny how the simple things registered in her mind. His tattoo, his sensuous lips, the peacefulness of his features. His well defined chest caught her eyes. *He must have been working out some the last few months,* she thought idly, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him, to feel his skin.  
  
She stood like this for a long time, her hands almost touching the skin of his bare chest. Her shoulders were sagged, her eyes fixed on his face, taking in every single detail as if she wanted to burn everything into her retina.  
  
Then she leaned over to lightly brush her lips against his. She shivered at the contact. This was so different from every other kiss she had shared with his alter ego in the spirit world. This was cruel reality. This was what she had to prevent.  
  
"I love you, Chakotay," she whispered, tracing the lines of his tattoo with her fingers. She wished once again that this all would work out. She wished she would be able to save him. She had to.  
  
"I will get you back," she vowed.  
  
It took her all of her strength to get her limbs to respond and turn around. The way back, away from him, was hard, very hard. She had to resist the urge to lie down and wait till she shared his fate.  
  
But there was one thing she had to do first. She at least to try to rescue him. If her mission failed, if she failed him, she still would have a lot of time to join him in death.  
  
@ -;--  
  
She concentrated on setting one foot in front of the other as she made her way to the doctor. Maybe this saying goodbye had not been the best thing to do. She was feeling worse than before, but the doctor didn't have to know that. In his opinion she had been close to a nervous breakdown before, so an obviously sad and depressed Captain was an improvement. She looked up to glance into his eyes.  
  
She saw what she had known before: He was watching her carefully, trying to determine her state of mind and health.  
  
Kathryn straightened her back and did her best at smiling. She succeeded in a way, as the doctor nodded at her reassuringly.  
  
She walked up to him until they were face to face. She took a deep breath and then muttered, "Doctor, I need to find out who did this."  
  
"Captain-" the EMH began.  
  
"No," she cut in, waving her hand dismissively. "Let me explain first."  
  
The doctor nodded at her to continue.  
  
"I don't ask you to let me go roaming the ship or overtaking it to track down other enemy ships. I just want to do some research. I will leave my gun alone for now. I don't even ask you to let me go on my own. I want Tom Paris to help me," she pleaded with him, arguing with a passion that surprised him.  
  
The doctor just stood and eyed her carefully for a long while. To Kathryn it seemed an eternity.  
  
"You're not going to allow me to restraint you. You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?"  
  
"I need to do this, doctor. I need to find a reason to go on."  
  
"I understand," he finally said, then called Tom to sickbay.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn paced the room while she was waiting for Tom to arrive. The doctor glanced at her nervously once in a while probably wondering if his captain was okay or if it had been a mistake agreeing to release her to Paris's care. Kathryn smiled at him, trying her best to reassure him. Everything was all right. She closed her eyes as she thought back to Chakotay's cold body that was still resting in the adjoining room. She had promised him to rescue him once again. She just hoped the doctor hadn't been eavesdropping, but she doubted he had. Even he had some tact.  
  
And then her rescue team was there. Sickbay's doors opened to give way to the Lieutenant. "Tom," Kathryn exclaimed.  
  
"You asked for me, Captain?" Paris asked, obviously not very comfortable with the idea of playing babysitter for a captain who was not exactly mentally stable after the death of her best friend and as he had come to realize now more than ever: the man she loved.  
  
"Yes, indeed. I did, Tom. I need to get out of here. Care to take me for a walk?" She asked.  
  
"Sure, Captain," the Lieutenant replied, offering her his arm.  
  
Kathryn took it willingly as they strode out of sickbay together.  
  
Now the only thing Kathryn had to do was telling him a long story about time travel, second chances and stupid aliens that seemingly made one huge mistake in killing the love of her life and her plans to rectify all that.  
  
Not an easy task to accomplish, but manageable nevertheless. She had done it before. Same conversation, another day. She would get him to take her to Astrometrics. She still had to prove that the so called attack had been an accident.  
  
He actually bought her story as she subtly lead him to Astrometrics. She knew she had won. Now she only had to find out if her hunch proved to be true.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Tom clapped his hands together as soon as he entered Astrometrics getting a questioning glance from Seven. "Now, where will we start, Captain?" he asked with a grin. "We have lots to do."  
  
"I don't understand," Seven began.  
  
"You don't have to. We're invading your beloved Astrometrics. We're going to find out what exactly happened yesterday when Chakotay died. Are you going to help us or are you going to pose a problem? I don't think the Captain can be trusted around you if you don't help."  
  
"I will assist you," Seven decided after she had glanced at her captain only briefly. It had been the logical choice, for death as an option was not desirable.  
  
"Good," Kathryn grinned, encouraging Seven by patting her back. Seven winced visibly.  
  
"She won't bite," Tom whispered.  
  
"I heard that, Mr. Paris," Kathryn hissed.  
  
Tom tried his best to look innocent, and naturally failed.  
  
"What I want to know is what happened after the ship was hit? I need that sensor data. Voyager was practically a dead fish in the water, its command center in chaos, most of it damaged and non-functional. I need those sensor logs. What happened outside Voyager at that time?"  
  
"Searching," Seven replied stoically, as she hammered commands into the nearby computer console. Kathryn closed her eyes hoping that she was right.  
  
"Computer show data," Seven stated finally.  
  
Kathryn and Tom leaned over her shoulder as numeric sequences and tables scrolled across the screen.  
  
"Hold data," Tom ordered suddenly.  
  
"What is it?" Kathryn asked.  
  
"I think I found it. Computer filter sequence 147-32.9 out and analyze."  
  
"Sequence 147-32.9 is an incoming hail for Voyager," the computer voice answered.  
  
"Open," Kathryn ordered suddenly feeling very excited.  
  
The computer did as he was told and a voice could be heard. Kathryn couldn't understand a word of the alien tongue; the universal translator had once again proved not to be universal.  
  
"Computer, can you translate this sequence?" Kathryn asked impatiently.  
  
"Attempting," the voice stated.  
  
Kathryn sat back. This could take a while. She stretched her legs as Tom joined her, slumping down next to her. "What a day," he groaned.  
  
"What a week," Kathryn corrected.  
  
"Yours is worse than mine," Tom grinned.  
  
She smacked him playfully. "Thanks for reminding me."  
  
"You're welcome," he snickered, pretending to be hurt as he rubbed the spot she had hit.  
  
@ -;--  
  
"Done," the computer finally stated. Kathryn shut her eyes tightly. Was it going to be what she wanted it to be? "Play file," she ordered after hesitating for a second or two.  
  
A voice could be heard via intercom. "This is the Jhim'a, please don't shoot back. We shot at you, yes, but it was a malfunction. This is the Jhim'a, please don't shoot back. We shot at you, yes, but it was a malfunction. This is-"  
  
"Computer, stop." Kathryn ordered. She had to fight the grin that threatened to spread across her face. This was the proof. This was the proof that it all had been a misunderstanding, an accident.  
  
"This never arrived on the bridge," Tom sighed.  
  
"No, it didn't," Kathryn nodded, still trying to suppress the grin.  
  
"The communications console was destroyed with this first shot. It couldn't arrive on the bridge," Seven stated blandly.  
  
"And that's the reason Voyager will be ultimately destroyed," the Captain began pacing the room, thinking about finding a way to solve the mess that lay before her. She was now a step closer to the solution, but this didn't mean there wasn't a lot of work and a lot of problems to solve lying before her.  
  
"You will find a way not to have this happen again, Captain," Tom assured her.  
  
"I wish, Tom, I wish."  
  
"You will," he continued.  
  
"Could you take me to his quarters?" Kathryn asked looking up at Tom.  
  
"If you want me to, I will," Tom nodded.  
  
"Thank you, there's something I need to do," Kathryn sighed, letting him lead her out of the room.  
  
"Are you sure you will be fine there?" He asked, concern hovering in his voice.  
  
"Yes, I am sure," Kathryn smiled at him reassuringly.  
  
@ -;--  
  
"Tuvok, can I talk to you for a moment?" Tom asked as soon as he entered the bridge.  
  
He knew Harry's eyes were on him asking what was wrong. He motioned for Harry to stow it for the moment, he would share his findings with the young Ensign later.  
  
"Go ahead, Lieutenant," Tuvok said as he glanced up from the console embedded next to the captain's seat.  
  
"Alone?" Tom added.  
  
Tuvok agreed, as he rose from the seat and strode towards the ready room, Tom following not far behind.  
  
As the doors closed behind them, the Vulcan turned to the Lieutenant. "I will listen."  
  
"Good. We found out that the attack has been an accident. In the astrometrics sensor data we found a hail that never got through to the bridge, for, as you might remember, it was in shambles, and still is, in a way. Here is what we found." He handed him a padd. "Read it and see for yourself. This was all an accident; so more harm can be prevented. I will be on the bridge. Read it, Commander."  
  
"I will," Tuvok nodded dismissively, as Tom fled the room.  
  
@ -;--  
  
A few minutes later Tuvok's voice could be heard on the bridge, requesting Tom's presence in the ready room. Tom gulped, secretly hoping that was a good sign. He turned around to have a look at Harry, who was up to date with what happened at that point. Harry nodded at him in an attempt to strengthen Tom's self-consciousness. Tom gulped, got up and slurped towards the ready room door.  
  
As it opened, he continued into it, trying to determine the look on the Vulcan's face. Being a Vulcan, Tuvok naturally did not show any emotions. His face was unreadable as always. It was frustrating.  
  
Tom hoped Tuvok saw the logic in everything that had happened, since it was hard not to see it. After all, the hail proved that it had been an accident, didn't it? Then why was Tom afraid that Tuvok would object?  
  
He wasn't quite sure why. Tuvok cleared his throat to get Tom's attention and then, presently, began to speak.  
  
@ -;--  
  
As the doors closed behind her, Kathryn took a deep breath. She desperately tried to hold back the lunatic grin that threatened to overtake her facial muscles and failed miserably. Beginning with her usual lopsided grin, it spread into much more. Even her eyes were shining with pure happiness. There was a way to stop all this, she would rescue him. He would live. She resisted the urge to dance around his quarters, trying to calm down enough to think straight.  
  
There was so much to be done to make sure it would all work out in the end, so much yet to achieve. But still, this had been a big breakthrough in Kathryn's task. It had brought the ultimate goal so much closer that it did wonders to her motivation and to her mood. She would succeed. She was sure, she would.  
  
But still, she knew that she couldn't keep those news to herself. Kathryn had to tell someone. She had to tell him. Rushing to the cupboard, which she knew his medicine bundle would be in, she grabbed it and raced to his bed. She jumped on top of it and sat cross-legged trying to catch her breath. She reminded herself that once everything had turned back to normal, she would have to exercise every once in a while, for age and laziness seemed to get the better of her.  
  
She used to be able to do that and a lot more without getting out of breath. Kathryn sighed, as she spread the contents of the bundle out before her. She reached out to touch the akoonah and whispered the ancient words of his people over and over again, until darkness hit her.  
  
@ -;--  
  
She once again marvelled at how real her surroundings seemed. The water that streamed around her feet was luke-warm, just the right temperature for a relaxing swim. The sunrays on her face felt so real, she could hear birds and insects and other animals in the forest and she could hear someone approaching. Weren't Indians supposed to be silent walkers? Weren't they supposed to? She would have to tease him about this later, she decided. Maybe she could throw his inability to start a fire in as well.  
  
Grinning contentedly, Kathryn waited for his arms to snake around her waist. It didn't take him long, as she felt herself being pulled into a gentle embrace.  
  
"Hello, love," a voice tickled her ears. Kathryn enjoyed the sensations that ran through her body.  
  
"Hello, there," she whispered back, finally opening her eyes to look into his eyes. She felt herself getting lost in his brown orbs once again. They stayed like this a very long time, not moving, not talking, just enjoying the other's company and silent support.  
  
Finally, she had to move a little. "My arms fell asleep," she answered his unspoken question.  
  
At that, he grinned sheepishly and released her.  
  
"I didn't say that you should let me go," she teased him as she flung herself at him, causing him to lose his balance.  
  
A thud and a shriek could be heard as they landed on the ground in a tangle of arms and legs. Their laughter filled the air as they rolled around, trying to disentangle themselves until they lay next to one another desperately trying to catch their breath.  
  
Kathryn felt herself being pulled towards him again, until she lay sprawled atop of him.  
  
"What are you trying here, mister?" she asked, poking his chest with every word.  
  
"I am innocent. Whatever you have in mind, I am innocent, dear," Chakotay tried, his evil grin betraying him.  
  
"Well, mister, I only came here to say you that I might hold the real you in my arms yesterday, tomorrow, whatever," her face showing nothing but pure happiness. "I found out that it all was a terrible accident, meaning I can prevent it. Meaning I can at least try to," she added sighing, as she let her head fall onto his form.  
  
His hand snaked under her chin, lifting her head. "Look at me, Kathryn," he insisted. "Open your eyes and look at me."  
  
She did as she was told.  
  
"I trust you, Kathryn. You will make it. You will succeed. And if you don't..." seeing that she was about to cut in and say something, Chakotay silenced her with a finger to her lips. She understood.  
  
"If you don't succeed, I will be here, waiting for you. Simple as that. I will love you always, Kathryn. And I will wait for you until you come and join me."  
  
She felt his voice growing fainter with every word she said. Knowing that she was being pulled away again, Kathryn desperately tried to hold onto him, to hold onto the life she longed to live, with him. She wanted to die that moment. She wanted to stay with him forever.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn sat on top of his bed for a long time. When she finally moved she was barely able to straighten her legs. She had sat cross-legged too long; they had fallen asleep. Sighing she rubbed them, trying to regain any feeling back into them. The pin pricks that came with their awakening was annoying, but a natural side effect.  
  
As she felt content enough to move, she did so, walking up to Chakotay's terminal. The screen was flashing with an incoming message. Curious at who might want to send a dead man a message, she touched the screen: It was a message from Tom.  
  
**  
  
From: Tom Paris  
  
To: Kathryn Janeway, to be displayed on terminal in Chakotay's quarters.  
  
Subject: Get yourself up here  
  
Captain, we're on intercept course with the enemy ships. You might want to come to the bridge as soon as possible. I suggest a change of clothing and a shower before. No offense, but we have to get Tuvok believe that you're again the woman for the job you had before all this happened. Just a hint.  
  
See you in a few.  
  
Tom  
  
**  
  
Kathryn shook her head. Tom. Paris was back to his usual cocky self. He actually dared to talk to her like that again. She smiled, as she instructed the computer to replicate a new uniform with her specifications. She doubted Chakotay's would fit her. Shedding her clothes on her way to his bathroom, she stepped into the sonic shower, wishing she had the time for a long bath.  
  
Her thoughts were on what was to come as she finished and got dressed, drying her hair in a hurry.  
  
She cast a brief glance into the mirror before she left his quarters. Tom had been right, she had been a mess before. Now she looked refreshed and ready to face whatever came into her way. She just hoped Tuvok would see that as well. She had to talk to the strangers. She had to know what they were like, and more than everything she had to find out if one could negotiate with them. It was her last test run before things got serious for her. Whatever happened now wasn't really important for this timeline, but for the day before. She needed to know if she'd be able to prevent Chakotay's death, and in the end, Voyager's destruction.  
  
@ -;--  
  
As Janeway stepped onto the bridge, she could feel Tuvok's gaze boring into her. He obviously was not pleased to have her on the bride.  
  
"Captain," he stated. As he looked at him, she found that her suspicions had been correct. His eyebrows were raised and for a person who did not show any emotions, he did a very good job at the deathglare.  
  
"Tuvok," she said, smiling as she made her way to the captain's chair he had occupied before she appeared.  
  
"Captain, you have been relieved of duty until further notice, you are not supposed to be here."  
  
Kathryn chose to ignore this comment. "Tuvok, I hear that you are on an intercept course with the aliens. I hereby take command again."  
  
"I have to insist, Captain. You are to be in sickbay," Tuvok started again, not willing to let go of command in order to place it into the hands of a lunatic captain without a fight.  
  
"The doctor relieved me," Kathryn faced him with determination.  
  
"Tuvok to the doctor, is it true that you relieved the Captain from sickbay?" Tuvok immediately inquired.  
  
"Yes," the EMH's voice filtered through the combadge. "She left sickbay a few hours ago under the surveillance of Mr. Paris. I take it she appeared on the bridge?"  
  
"Yes, Doctor, she did," Tuvok stated not without a hint of annoyance.  
  
"Thought so, doctor out," he cut the connection.  
  
One could almost see Tuvok wincing with anger at the doctor's actions. Kathryn grinned at the whole situation, which the stoic Vulcan didn't approve of.  
  
"Captain, I have to ask you again to leave the bridge. You are not fit for duty."  
  
"You have no idea, Tuvok. I am as fit as can be. Do you plan to just close me into a lunatic's ward until we reached Earth? This isn't as things work out here. I need to do this, Tuvok. Simple as that." She knew she was behaving like a spoiltkid but there was no other way. She was serious. Dead serious. At her words Tom had stood up from his console to stand beside Kathryn. "Sir, I've spent the past few hours with her. She is stable and she knows what she's doing. Not to mention that she was the one who found out about the communication. Remember what I told you earlier. Without her we wouldn't even have started searching for it. She is the one to take the praise for it, so she should be the one to established communications. She is stable. More stable than others who are still allowed to do their duty."  
  
Tuvok looked at him questioningly. It was obvious that he was considering his words carefully.  
  
Kathryn knew she'd got him. He just had to see the logic in her actions, he had to believe the truth, he had to let her do this.  
  
"We're within hailing range of the aliens," Harry announced, deliberately not addressing anyone in particular.  
  
Tom hurried to get back behind his console, ready to face whatever would come.  
  
Tuvok stared at Kathryn for a while longer, trying to reach the right decision. Finally, he nodded. He would let her do this. Kathryn smiled at his reaction, her eyes thanking him for the chance.  
  
The Vulcan nodded again as he made his way to his usual position behind his console. Kathryn took a deep breath as she positioned herself in front of the viewscreen.  
  
"Hail them," she ordered.  
  
@ -;--  
  
The first moment Kathryn thought she was looking at a teddy bear. The furry creature that appeared on the viewscreen was made for cuddling, as it seemed. His whole body was covered in a shiny brown fur; his paws showed trimly cut claws. He seemed to have the clumsiness and the gentleness of a stuffed toy.  
  
He face though was furrowed in worry lines; his dark eyes seemed to be very sad and upset. His lips were pressed tightly together forming a little line under his stubby nose. His ears certainly were those of a teddy bear.  
  
He considered the humans for a long while until he began to speak. Nothing but an incomprehensible mumble escaped his lips. Kathryn had expected this. It would take the translator some time to catch up on what he said - to grasp the basic concept of the language.  
  
It had taken the computer longer before, so it would this time.  
  
Some words already filtered through, such as "Jhim'a.... shoot.... Kill... why...."  
  
"I'd say they are trying to ask us why we destroyed the Jhim'a," Tom pondered.  
  
Kathryn silenced him with a half-heartened glare.  
  
"This is Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager. Do you understand me?"  
  
"Understand... am... starship... Can you hear me?"  
  
The translator seemed to have caught up, finally. "Could you repeat that?" Kathryn asked.  
  
"Yes. I am Captain Boa'ey of the starship Oversa, who are you?" The creature repeated, seemingly relieved.  
  
"I am Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager. We are sorry we destroyed the Jhim'a. We didn't know they weren't a threat to us."  
  
"Threat? What do you mean threat? Why would they pose a threat to you?" A new expression graced the alien's featured what Kathryn interpreted as confusion.  
  
"They shot at us, a malfunction in their systems as it turned out. We were heavily hit; the bridge is still not completely fixed as you might see. My first officer died because of this. We shot back and had to discover they were no match at all for us. It was a big misunderstanding. I am sorry so many people had to die."  
  
"So you're saying you didn't do this deliberately?" Boa'ey asked.  
  
"No. Never. We're not that kind of people. You might not believe us, but we found this in our sensor logs. It never got through to the bridge for we were dead in the water."  
  
She nodded towards Harry who played the sensor file. "This is the Jhim'a, please don't shoot back. We shot at you, yes, but it was a malfunction." Could be heard via the loudspeakers.  
  
The aliens face fell and he bowed his head in memory of those who had died in this misunderstanding.  
  
"I am sorry," Kathryn and the alien said at the same time.  
  
"I will spread the word around my people," the furry creature smiled sadly. "What has been done cannot be undone, but we can try to be friends from now on. It seems that our cultures could benefit from one another. We can learn from one another. If you won't mind of course, Captain."  
  
"Of course not," Kathryn smiled. "I'd like that. I will have two of my officers get into contact with you."  
  
"Yes, Captain," the alien nodded in understanding. "Mourn the death of your mate."  
  
Kathryn who had faced to motion Tuvok and Tom to see to this matter swung around in shock, her eyes growing wide.  
  
"He wasn't my mate," she whispered.  
  
"He was in every sense of the word," the alien said in a soothing voice. "I can see it in your eyes and your soul, Captain." Kathryn nodded. "Thank you."  
  
She didn't have to motion Tuvok to cut the connection as the screen was replaced by the starfield cluster as if it had a life of his own.  
  
@ -;--  
  
"Congratulations, Captain," Tom stood up to shake her hand. "I knew you would be able to do this."  
  
The other officers joined in as one after the other expressed their congratulations and salutes to their captain. "Thank you," Kathryn offered, "But I have to ask you to excuse me now." She was about to leave the bridge with Tom by her side as Tuvok stated. "I take it that the Commander's funeral will not be today?"  
  
Kathryn felt her face fall and her eyes water. Did he have to remind her of that? She felt Tom's hand steadying her and was glad to have his support.  
  
It took all her strength to answer: "No. I can't do this today. I am not ready, yet. And with a little luck it will never come to it. With a little luck I will be able to prevent it. And as things progress right now, I don't even need luck. I will just do so," she grinned, watching Tuvok's eyebrows shot upwards once again. There, she had done it. She had shocked him. And she had made him question her sanity once again. She found that shocking the Vulcan proved to be a lot more fun than she had ever thought it possible.  
  
Before Tuvok could get security to restrain her and bring her to the doctor's care, Kathryn quickly fled the bridge.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Janeway was deep in thought on her way back to her quarters. As she stopped dead in front of Chakotay's rooms she realized Tom was still walking beside her. She had been too distracted to even notice. Her thoughts had been with Chakotay and what was to come. Now, she forced her mouth to cast a small smile at Tom.  
  
"Goodnight, Tom," she yawned, turning towards the door.  
  
"Goodnight, Captain. Good luck tomorrow, yesterday." He paused. "You know what I mean."  
  
"Yes," Kathryn smiled, "confusing isn't it?"  
  
"Very much so," Tom agreed, rubbing his temples as if he was fighting another headache, which he probably was.  
  
She nodded once more into Tom's direction as she keyed in the code for Chakotay's doors. They gave way to let her in and she entered, heading right for the bedroom. These days certainly tired her. She felt completely drained, emotionally and otherwise. It took her a lot of persuasion to move her hands and remove her uniform. That done, she crashed onto the bed, not bothering to get under the covers.  
  
She fell asleep immediately, without noticing that her hands sought his cushion and her body tangled in the sheets.  
  
Tomorrow would be THE day for her. Yesterday would be THE day for her. It all depended on the point of view. 


	5. ~*~ 0 ~*~

Redux  
  
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net  
  
October 2001  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.  
  
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)  
  
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*  
  
@ -;-- 0 --;- @  
  
Kathryn slowly opened her eyes, almost certain the light would be bright once again. She was sure she would find herself in sickbay. But instead, she was greeted only by darkness and the light illumination that came from the stars streaking by her window. Confused, she called for lights to find herself in her own quarters. Suddenly, it all made sense, formed a clear picture in her head. If this were her quarters this was the day. The day he died. And there was still time to prevent all that. A grin was spread across her features, as she wanted to embrace the world. Everything would be all right, unless....  
  
Kathryn sobered. What time was it? Was he still alive? Was he there? She hesitated before she hit her commbadge.  
  
"Janeway to Chakotay, please come in," she managed as she counted the seconds to his reply.  
  
"Chakotay, here. Geez, Kathryn, do you have any idea what time it is?" His reply came.  
  
Kathryn let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding and broke into tears. He was alive. He was really alive.  
  
"Kathryn?" He asked worried.  
  
"Chakotay," was all she managed to sob.  
  
"Hang on, I will be right there," he assured before he cut the connection.  
  
@ -;--  
  
She heard the doors to her quarters slide apart and someone rush inside, stop abruptly to get his bearings and then enter her bedroom.  
  
Through her tears she saw his concerned face, his body only clad in boxers. He surely made for one handsome sight.  
  
She sighed. She never thought this would work, she never thought she would see him again, the real him, not his cryptic second self from the spirit world that seemed to be New Earth for the two of them.  
  
As she broke into tears again, he was by her side immediately, standing next to the bed. He tilted his head as if he wanted to ask for permission to join her on it. She moved enough to indicate that he was welcome to.  
  
That was all invitation he ever needed as he crawled in next to her and cradled her into his arms, soothing her with gentle words and the constant stroking of her back.  
  
As she had quieted to some degree, Chakotay lifted her head with his thumb, his fingers gently brushing away the tears.  
  
"What's up, Kathryn? What bothers you so much?" He whispered, letting his lips briefly caress her forehead.  
  
"It's a long story," Kathryn replied, her voice still a little unsteady from her outburst.  
  
"And you're going to tell me every little detail, Kathryn. We have two hours until we have to get up, so, do tell." He insisted.  
  
"I was planning to tell you everything anyway," Kathryn murmured into his chest, burying her face into him.  
  
As much as he loved the sensations her voice and her hot breath on his naked chest evoked, it didn't help a lot to actually comprehend what she was saying, so he lifted her head again, and motioned her to begin, catching her eyes with his and never letting them go until she finished.  
  
Kathryn told him everything. All the pain she felt as she had learned that he was dead, her slow journey back in time. Her plea not to have him die today.  
  
Her vow to undo all that had happened.  
  
Through all this Chakotay had grown pale. "You're saying - oh my," was all he managed to mutter as shock got the better of him.  
  
"That's what I was saying," she sighed. "You're going to stay in your quarters today, mister. Or in mine. Everything else is off limit for you," Kathryn emphasized every word with a stab of her finger to his chest.  
  
"Gladly, ma'am. Are you staying too?" He asked, feeling like taking a risk once in a while.  
  
She sighed, hugging him close. "I would love to, but I have to prevent an accident."  
  
"Didn't I die trying to rescue you?" Chakotay asked, bewildered.  
  
"Yes," Kathryn began only to be cut off again.  
  
"Then you're staying right here with me, Kathryn, I am not going to let you go to the bridge and die. We may not get another chance at correcting the wrong." His face showed nothing but determination.  
  
"No," she insisted. "The plan is to prevent the accident altogether. Voyager will have shields on as soon as they are near, we will greet them and we will never have all this happen."  
  
"Then why can't I be on the bridge with you?"  
  
"I am not taking any chances, Chakotay. I've lost you once. I am not going to let this happen ever again. Not before I haven't told you that I love you and that I can't live on without you. If this doesn't work and if you die, I am going to die with you. I am going to end my life, and I am going to stay with you at our river forever."  
  
Chakotay gulped at her words, and what they meant. "You what?"  
  
"I will kill myself if you are killed."  
  
"No, no, I will have to talk you out of that one later, first things first, you what?"  
  
"Oh, that one," Kathryn chuckled. "I was pretty sure you would stop listening at that part, doubting your hearing abilities."  
  
"You what?" He asked yet again, his mouth gaping open.  
  
"I love you, stupid."  
  
"That's why I am not allowed to be on the bridge today, right?" He asked bewildered.  
  
"Yes, that's the reason," Kathryn assured him.  
  
"I can live with that," he chuckled, rolling her over so that he was pinning her to the bed with his body. He hovered above her, kissing the remaining tears from her face, tracing them down to her chin with his tongue, he then hovered above her mouth, sharing her breath, teasing her. They almost touched for a long moment, each of them lost in the other's eyes.  
  
Then he took chances and kissed her, lightly at first, their lips barely touching as he sent butterfly kisses from one corner to the other. She smiled into his caress as her hands snaked around his head, drawing him yet closer, her tongue demanding entry. He sucked it in willingly as their kiss grew more and more passionate. As both couldn't hold out any longer, they broke for air each missing the feel of the other immediately.  
  
Chakotay pulled back slightly, grinning contently. "You just made my life, Kathryn."  
  
"I certainly hope so," she grinned contentedly. "You have no idea how glad I am to have you back," she sighed, motioning for him to roll them over.  
  
He did as he was told, sprawling her over his chest. "I love you," she sighed. "I don't want to lose you again."  
  
"Promise me one thing," Chakotay whispered.  
  
"Yes?" She asked.  
  
"Tell me the same tonight while we are having dinner. Take me to your bed tonight and let me have you in my arms all night, then in the morning you will begin your free day kissing me, having breakfast and then we will talk all day."  
  
"I promise," she kissed him briefly, "I promise."  
  
"Good, because I will not let you pull back again. I will have nothing of that. You're in this now, Kathryn and I will never let you go again. We talk tonight?"  
  
"Yes," she murmured into his chest letting her eyes drift shut.  
  
@ -;--  
  
She felt someone nibbling her earlobe, then trailing kisses down her spine. She sighed contentedly leaning into his touch. "Sleep," she sighed. "Want to sleep. Go back to sleep." Her mind was running on very basic thought that moment.  
  
He wouldn't let her. "You have to get dressed now," he teased, rolling her into the position they fell asleep in again.  
  
"No, sleep. Sleep, then dressing," she whispered almost awake.  
  
"Kathryn the alarm told you to get up a minute ago," he shook her gently.  
  
"No, no alarm," she murmured, yet again producing very pleasant sensations.  
  
"Kathryn, you have to keep me from dying today, remember? Tomorrow we can sleep in."  
  
She was wide-awake suddenly. "You're right," she sighed, hurrying out of bed. "I will be right back." Kathryn called over her shoulder as she retreated into the bathroom.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Tuvok had looked slightly taken aback as Kathryn had told him she had ordered Chakotay to take the day off. She had known this would happen and promised him a briefing later the day. There were two possible ways this could end. One with him, one without him. Kathryn was sure now more than ever that she would not survive losing Chakotay. Her life would be ended if that happened.  
  
She counted the hours to the attack, then the minutes. She even counted the seconds to Harry's announcement.  
  
"I have a ship on long range sensors, Captain." She was right. She had the moment memorised to the exact moment it started.  
  
"On screen," she ordered. "Report, Harry," she added turning towards him.  
  
"The ship will meet us in about thirty minutes," he contemplated. "It is not on an intercept course."  
  
Of course, Kathryn knew all that and her thoughts drifted off as she tried to look as if she concentrated on Harry's words. She seemed to succeed as he rambled on without an end in sight.  
  
"Thank you, Harry," she managed finally, "Inform me when they are within hailing range."  
  
"Aye, ma'am," he answered.  
  
All she could do now was wait and hope. Naturally, her thoughts wandered back to what had happened that morning. She remembered his sweet kisses, how good a pillow his chest made and his sweet words of love. She froze at that and reconsidered. That bastard. He hadn't said it. He hadn't said that he loved her. He had deliberately left it out in the open. Of course, she had no doubt by now that he did love her, but he hadn't said so out loud. He was saving something for later, something for after she rescued them. It was frustrating.  
  
Harry Kim who announced that the ship was approaching pulled her out of her revery.  
  
"Raise shields," Kathryn announced.  
  
"Captain?" Tuvok asked. "This is not Starfleet protocol."  
  
"Call it a hunch, Tuvok, or whatever, but raise shields."  
  
Tuvok seemed to consider it for a moment, then did as he was told. "Shields raised," he stated.  
  
Kathryn nodded as she made her way up to Harry. Her eyes travelled to the ceiling over and over again as she eyed the panel that had come loose the last time this happened.  
  
Suddenly the ship rocked with the impact of a phaser shot. If Vulcans could look shocked and astonished, Tuvok certainly did at that moment.  
  
"Report," Kathryn bellowed, glad that the panel was still in its original place.  
  
"They shot at us," Tuvok still seemed to be in a state of shock.  
  
"I know that, Tuvok, damage report?"  
  
"Shields are down to 75%, no other damage reported."  
  
Kathryn breathed in deeply, then she grinned.  
  
"How could you tell, Captain? How did you know?"  
  
"It is a long story," Kathryn sighed.  
  
"We're being hailed, Captain," Tuvok stated.  
  
"On screen," Kathryn ordered.  
  
@ -;--  
  
A furry creature apeared on the viewscreen. The language, of course, was a blur. The computer struggled for a while as the alien babbled on and on. Finally something got through. "Are you all right?" he asked, obviously in worry. He reminded her even more of her childhood teddy bear than the other one. He had something about him that made one want to just cuddle him all day.  
  
"Yes, we're okay, no harm was done. May I ask why you chose to shoot at my ship?" Kathryn asked, already knowing the answer.  
  
"It was a malfunction in the power cells of the phaser relay. This wasn't intended, believe me it wasn't, Captain-" he paused.  
  
"Janeway, I am Captain Kathryn Janeway, this is my ship, Voyager."  
  
"My name is Captain Gerbil of the Jhim'a. I am glad you're all fine. And I apologize for what has happened. You won't shoot back, will you?" He asked as lines of worry wrinkled his round face.  
  
"Don't worry, Captain. We are not a hostile race. And I believe that it has been an accident. No damage was done, so there is nothing to take revenge for and thus no reason to shoot at you. We only fight to defend ourselves or others, this is not one of the occasions." Kathryn assured him.  
  
"That is very comforting," Gerbil smiled with genuine happiness. "Very, very comforting."  
  
"Would you like my Chief Engineer have a look at your engines?" Kathryn asked, smiling at the alien. "She's great at her job and maybe she can help you fix this problem."  
  
"That would be nice, Captain," the alien agreed.  
  
They talked for a while and discussed a trade treaty. The furry creatures had rich resources including a seemingly unlimited amount of plants and dilithium. They were more than happy to share it all with Voyager's crew.  
  
Maybe the captain was aware of how close he had come to being killed. He knew Voyager was superior to his little trade ship.  
  
@ -;--  
  
Kathryn strode into her quarters with a definite swing to her steps. She had met several crewmembers on her way back and all had nodded at her but kept their distance as if to stay on the safe side. Was a captain that radiated utter joy and happiness such a strange concept? She wondered when she had last been that happy aboard Voyager. She halted abruptly as she realized it was the first time. The first time she was truly happy aboard this ship. No wonder her crew was scared. She had never showed any emotions in front of them, not such extreme that was. But she couldn't stop grinning like an idiot. She had finally got all the happiness she ever wanted but never dared to allow herself.  
  
She sighed as she heard and felt him approach from behind her. As he breathed down her neck her legs threatened to give way under her. His breath was replaced with lips as she leaned into him steadying herself.  
  
He took advantage of that as he sneaked his arms around her waist, pulling her tighter against him.  
  
"You made it," he whispered in between feathery kisses.  
  
She tilted her head to allow him better access as she moaned with contentment. "I did and I scared my crew."  
  
"You scare them every single day, Kathryn," he laughed, spinning her around so that he could see her reaction. He was astonished at how much love and happiness seemed to radiate from every fibre of her being.  
  
"I do, but today was special. I scared them because I was truly happy. Right after I scared them because I knew what would happen. You know what?"  
  
"What?" He challenged.  
  
"They could actually deal with my knowing what would happen. They could deal with that. But Harry almost fainted as I winked at him when I left the bridge with a huge grin spreading from one ear to another."  
  
"And I bet it didn't leave your face until you were here. Well, it's still there, actually," he grinned, lifting his index finger to trace it. "There it is."  
  
"You're right, of course," she answered, trying to catch his finger in her mouth and failing miserably. Attempting to pout, Kathryn gave up on it almost instantly and added: "They never backed away from me that fast before. Not even when I was at my worst."  
  
Chakotay chuckled. "You can be evil. And when you look like this, you're at your most evil."  
  
"I've never looked like this, they can't tell," Kathryn sighed, repeating what she had found out earlier.  
  
"You have," he kissed her forehead. "On New Earth, you have."  
  
She closed her eyes as she remembered. "Yes, you are the reason whenever I do, I hope you know that, Chakotay," she whispered.  
  
"Oh yes, and I hope you know that I love you."  
  
"You didn't say it this morning deliberately, did you?"  
  
"Guilty as charged. It was hard not to, but I had to." Chakotay admitted.  
  
"Why?" Kathryn asked, needing to know the answer, although deep down inside her, she already knew it.  
  
"You had to have a reason to fight," he grinned.  
  
"Oh come on," she shook her head. "I'd have fought for you anyway."  
  
"Sure, but this made it way nicer," his grin spread wider and wider.  
  
"Watch it, mister, I might have to put you into the brig for distracting the captain."  
  
"You wouldn't," he put a hand onto her stomach which responded with a low growl. He laughed, "I'd say someone is hungry here."  
  
"You're once again wheedling yourself out of a discussion, mister," she teased him only to be silenced by a tender kiss.  
  
"Yes, and you love me doing that."  
  
"Oh yes," she agreed.  
  
@ -;--  
  
They had retreated to her couch after a long meal. They had been chatting even more than usual, constantly teasing each other. She had decided that she would keep him if it only were for his cooking skills. She hadn't felt that full since the last time he cooked for her.  
  
She sighed as she lowered her head to rest on his lap. She stretched her legs, sighing yet again.  
  
His hands began stroking her hair, as he grinned down at her.  
  
"What?" she asked, challenging him.  
  
"I still can't believe that you're mine," he whispered.  
  
"Yours?" She pouted. "And here I thought you're mine."  
  
He laughed leaning down to kiss her. "I like that thought."  
  
"Me too," she grinned against his lips.  
  
@ -;--  
  
"Kath?" Chakotay groaned.  
  
"Hmmmm?" She sighed, opening in her eyes.  
  
"I think we should go somewhere more comfortable. I don't feel my neck anymore. My legs fell asleep together with you."  
  
"It's your cooking," Kathryn grinned, stretching to wake up some. "It makes me sleepy."  
  
"Then I will make sure not to cook again anytime soon," he challenged her.  
  
"No way, mister. Bed?" She suggested.  
  
"Oh yes," he cackled, swooping her up into his arms.  
  
He carried her into her bedroom, lowering her to the bed. Kissing her again, he crawled onto it as well, kicking his shoes away. 


	6. ~*~ 1 ~*~

Redux  
  
By KateF - kathrynf@gmx.net  
  
October 2001  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount still owns Star Trek: Voyager, though I don't exactly like what they did with it.  
  
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to Caffey. Thanks for being a friend I can confide in, thanks for being a faithful JCer. Thanks for actually writing something to the end. Or attempting to, anyway. 8)  
  
Acknowledgements: Thank you to Caffey, Sylvia, Jade and Ala for their input. *hugz* Thank you sooooo much for actually betaing the whole thing, Bex! *HUGZ TIGHTLY*  
  
@ -;-- 1 --;- @  
  
Kathryn breathed in the scent of him that seemed to surround her. She smiled to herself, her eyes still shut. That might have got something to do with the fact that he was there with her, surrounding her, protecting her. Not that she needed protection.  
  
It also meant the one thing Kathryn would be forever grateful for. Time was running normally again. This was day one, the new day one. Day one of their growing relationship, day one of their new life together.  
  
She couldn't resist the urge to actually see he was there; suddenly it wasn't enough just to feel him. She left a trail of small butterfly kisses behind as her mouth travelled up to his mouth. She knew he was awake when a wide content grin spread over his face. "Kathryn, I won't be responsible for my actions if you don't stop this, love." She travelled up the remaining distance to his mouth, covering it with hers in a passionate kiss before she pulled back slightly. "Good morning, lover," she said, closing the distance to kiss him yet again.  
  
"Good morning to you too," he managed in between kisses.  
  
She heaved herself onto her elbow to look at him, her other hand drawing lazy circles onto his stomach. "Time is as it was, moving forward again."  
  
"Indeed," he grinned at her, his love radiating from his eyes.  
  
"You know," she added. "You know I will have to kill you if you ever dare to leave me again, don't you?"  
  
"I have to be dead then, so you won't be able to kill me."  
  
Kathryn sighed. "I am serious, Chakotay. Don't ever dare to leave me again."  
  
"I will do my best," he cupped her face into his hands. "I promise."  
  
"Good. Because otherwise I would have to go back to New Earth to your cryptic alter ego."  
  
"You lost me," he stated, looking confused.  
  
"I should tell you about our adventures in the spirit world, Chakotay."  
  
"I have the feeling you should, love."  
  
"It all started with you deciding to get killed."  
  
"Hey, I didn't decide to," he pouted, turning away from her.  
  
"Whatever, now do you want to hear it or not?" She teased.  
  
"Yes, of course I want to know," he answered honestly.  
  
"Then turn around. I am not going to tell that story to your back," she challenged and knew she had got him.  
  
He seemed to consider for a moment and moved too fast for her afterwards. She found herself pinned to the bed by him. "Do tell," he growled as he began nibbling her earlobe.  
  
"As much as I love this, Chakotay, this is only going to distract me, you know? Do you want to hear this story, or not."  
  
Chakotay sighed. "I will behave. I promise," he grinned at her, not making any move to indicate he was going to let her go.  
  
Kathryn sighed. "Okay, where was I?" She trailed off as he began his sweet assault on her senses yet again. She gave up on the story as soon as his tongue flickered across her neck and surrendered to him.  
  
@ -;--  
  
The omnipotent being glanced down at the happy couple. The task was fulfilled, the lovers united and time was as it should be. They were now happily teasing one another. He grinned at them hovering just above his outstretched hand in a ball of light. Moving his other hand above it, he changed it into a stone. One that showed a peace rose on one side and a tattoo on the other. He marveled for a second as how beautifully carved it seemed to be.  
  
Chakotay really had outdone himself as he had manufactured it on what they called New Earth.  
  
It had been in his medicine bundle ever since, the one item Kathryn had clung to in her vision quests. He flipped it up like a coin and watched it spiral into the vast eternity of space. Right before it could evaporate in a nearby star he snapped his finger, watching it dematerialize. He opened a bundle himself, waving a hand above it mysteriously.  
  
He smiled, as the stone appeared among his other precious memories. He then closed the bundle, pulling the delicate leather straps over his head. He would keep them close to his heart, he thought, rubbing the tattoo on his forehead.  
  
The delicate indigo lines seemed to be an exact replica of another tattoo, a tattoo that belonged to a man who was now at peace with himself and the world, and would be until his life was ended.  
  
The being smiled as he dared a look into the couple's future. There were hard times waiting for them, but it would all pay off for something bigger, something pure.  
  
He decided to pay a visit to a planet nearby and he watched a young boy searching the stars for extraordinary phenomena. He would be the first among the stars. The first astronaut of his people. He would die a hero.  
  
He sighed as the kid snuggled into his father's embrace.  
  
*Now this little kid will never make this wish. Maybe I should.... Nah.....*  
  
@ -;-- The End --;- @  
  
Author's note: I did it. I actually managed to end this the day the original X-files episode aired in Germany. I got the idea for this fic from 8th season's "Redrum". Don't ya just love Morpheus? 


End file.
